Magazine | March 6, 2017, Issue

“The Kellyanne Conway Show”

Kellyanne Conway talks to reporters at Trump Tower, November 16, 2016. (Reuters photo: Shannon Stapleton)

Episode 107: Out Like Flynn

Fade In: int. office — day

Kellyanne enters in a rush. Reince is already at his desk, typing away.

Kellyanne: (to Reince) I cannot believe I’m late again! I have to learn not to trust that Metro! So many delays! It’s like the Metro is for people who are looking for jobs, not for people who have them!

Reince: That explains why I saw Mike Flynn walking to the Foggy Bottom station this morning.

Kellyanne gives him a look.

Kellyanne: Oh, Reince!

Reince: What? I saw him heading down the escalator and all I could think was, there but for the grace of The Big Mouth goes I.

The office door swings open and Mr. Bannon enters from his office.

Mr. Bannon:Reince! Where’s that executive order I asked for?

Reince: The one about no Muslims allowed on television?

Mr. Bannon: Yeah.

Reince: Not doing it, Steve. Unconstitutional.

Mr. Bannon:Wait. Seriously, Reince?

Reince: Seriously, Steve.

Mr. Bannon: I wish you had told me! I scratched one out last night and handed it to the big guy for review.

Reince: Well, maybe he read it and realized it’s out of bounds and didn’t sign it.

Long pause.

Reince: I’m kidding. Did we all forget what kidding is?

Mr. Bannon looks to Kellyanne.

Mr. Bannon: Kellyanne! We need to get that executive order found and destroyed before you-know-who finds it and signs it.

Kellyanne: On it, Mr. Bannon! And, I was wondering if I could have –

Mr. Bannon heads back into his office and slams the door.

Kellyanne: (finishing) — just a few minutes of your . . . time?

Reince: I wouldn’t head in there, Kellyanne. He’s in a bad mood.

Kellyanne: I don’t care! I’ve been here for almost six weeks and it’s time I got a raise.

She stands at her desk and crosses to Mr. Bannon’s office, smoothing her dress and fixing her hair as she does. She takes a deep breath, then knocks.

Mr. Bannon (OS): What?

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’d like to speak with you if I could.

Mr. Bannon (OS): You can’t.

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’m coming in there!

Kellyanne crosses into Mr. Bannon’s office. Donald Trump enters from the lobby doors.

Donald Trump: Hi guys!

They ad-lib hellos.

Donald Trump:Reince, I need to talk to you about the material you wrote for me last night. I have to say, it was a little off-color.

Reince: (sighs) What are you talking about? It was a short speech about the Middle East.

Donald Trump produces a piece of paper and shows it to Reince.

Donald Trump: What’s this word?

Reince: “Shiite.”

Donald Trump:Oh.

Cut to:

Int. Mr. Bannon’s office — continuous

Kellyanne is standing in front of Mr. Bannon’s desk. Mr. Bannon ignores her as he types on his typewriter. He types for a few moments without looking up.

Mr. Bannon: (still typing) Kellyanne?

Kellyanne: Yes, Mr. Bannon?

Mr. Bannon: You’re hovering. I hate hovering.

She sits.

Mr. Bannon: Okay, now you’re sitting. Don’t know which I hate more, hovering or sitting.

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’ve been working here for almost two months, and in that time I’ve done a great job. I mean, I think I have. I’ve appeared on news shows, spoken up for our policies, been ever-vigilant against Muslim apologists, and I really think it’s time, I mean I really really think it’s time –

Mr. Bannon: Okay, Kellyanne, you can have a raise.

Kellyanne: — that I get a raise.

Beat.

Kellyanne (Cont’d): What?

Mr. Bannon smiles.

Mr. Bannon: You know something, Kellyanne? You’ve got integrity.

Kellyanne: Thank you, Mr. Bannon.

Mr. Bannon: I hate integrity.

Kellyanne’s face drops.

Mr. Bannon: I’m just kidding, Kellyanne. You don’t have integrity.

Her smile returns.

Kellyanne: Thank you, Mr. Bannon!

Cut to:

Int. office — continuous

Donald Trump stands by Reince’s desk, pointing out parts of a prepared speech.

Donald Trump: And that’s why I think we need something in there about my resort property in Ireland. Not because it’s mine, Reince, but because it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful pristine place untouched by anything. Still pure and empty and new.

Reince: Sort of like your mind.

Donald Trump: Ha ha. Very funny. I just think people should know we still have units available.

Kellyanne enters from Mr. Bannon’s office.

Kellyanne: (to Donald Trump) Sir! Good morning! I’ve been looking for you!

Donald Trump: Well, you found me! Kellyanne, will you talk to Reince about putting dirty words in my speeches?

Reince: Donald! “Shiite” is not a dirty word. And neither is “emoluments.”

Donald Trump: Are you sure about that last one? Sure sounds sexual.

Kellyanne: Sir, I was hoping I could ask you to give me back the paper with the Muslim television ban on it?

Donald Trump: No time to talk, Kellyanne. I have to go announce that I’ve banned Muslims from television. Afterwards, we can talk about whatever it is you’re talking about.

Donald Trump exits toward the television studio.

Kellyanne: Uh boy.

Fade Out.

End of Act One.

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

The Importance of NATO To the paragraph about President Trump’s getting NATO mostly wrong (the Week, February 6), I would add the following: Yes, Article 5 has been invoked by NATO ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Honestly, we do kind of wonder whether he told Flynn, “You’re fired!” ‐ National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was ousted. He had told Vice President Mike Pence that he hadn’t ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

IMAGE Between the sunset and the window shade, The maple leaves were quaking in the wind. I saw the shaken shadows that they made As if in fear — as if they were afraid That ...

Most Popular

Film & TV

Knives Out Takes On the Anti-Immigration Crowd

Since the beginning of the Obama era, the Left has broadcast two contradictory messages on the subjects of race and immigration. The first is that a so-called Coalition of the Ascendant will inevitably displace white Americans as the dominant force in the country’s politics and culture. The second is that ... Read More
Film & TV

Knives Out Takes On the Anti-Immigration Crowd

Since the beginning of the Obama era, the Left has broadcast two contradictory messages on the subjects of race and immigration. The first is that a so-called Coalition of the Ascendant will inevitably displace white Americans as the dominant force in the country’s politics and culture. The second is that ... Read More
Culture

The Absurd Crusade against the Salvation Army

We all know some individuals who are so obviously good and kind that we are certain if anyone were to dislike them, that's all we would need to know about the person. We would immediately assume he or she is a bad person. To hate the manifestly good is a sure sign of being bad. Such is the case regarding the ... Read More
Culture

The Absurd Crusade against the Salvation Army

We all know some individuals who are so obviously good and kind that we are certain if anyone were to dislike them, that's all we would need to know about the person. We would immediately assume he or she is a bad person. To hate the manifestly good is a sure sign of being bad. Such is the case regarding the ... Read More
Elections

It’s Not Because She’s a Woman

In early October, Elizabeth Warren hit her stride. Her stock in the Democratic primary had been climbing steadily since midsummer, and as Joe Biden continued to lag, the Massachusetts senator became the first presidential hopeful to overtake him as front-runner in the RealClearPolitics polling average. She’s ... Read More
Elections

It’s Not Because She’s a Woman

In early October, Elizabeth Warren hit her stride. Her stock in the Democratic primary had been climbing steadily since midsummer, and as Joe Biden continued to lag, the Massachusetts senator became the first presidential hopeful to overtake him as front-runner in the RealClearPolitics polling average. She’s ... Read More
Film & TV

Clint Eastwood’s Messy, Nuanced Triumph

After a pipe bomb exploded at a concert held to celebrate the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta’s Centennial Park, the FBI came to suspect that the security guard who discovered the device might have planted it to gain a reputation as a hero. The knotty story of that security guard, Richard Jewell, does not lend itself ... Read More
Film & TV

Clint Eastwood’s Messy, Nuanced Triumph

After a pipe bomb exploded at a concert held to celebrate the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta’s Centennial Park, the FBI came to suspect that the security guard who discovered the device might have planted it to gain a reputation as a hero. The knotty story of that security guard, Richard Jewell, does not lend itself ... Read More