Magazine | March 6, 2017, Issue

“The Kellyanne Conway Show”

Kellyanne Conway talks to reporters at Trump Tower, November 16, 2016. (Reuters photo: Shannon Stapleton)

Episode 107: Out Like Flynn

Fade In: int. office — day

Kellyanne enters in a rush. Reince is already at his desk, typing away.

Kellyanne: (to Reince) I cannot believe I’m late again! I have to learn not to trust that Metro! So many delays! It’s like the Metro is for people who are looking for jobs, not for people who have them!

Reince: That explains why I saw Mike Flynn walking to the Foggy Bottom station this morning.

Kellyanne gives him a look.

Kellyanne: Oh, Reince!

Reince: What? I saw him heading down the escalator and all I could think was, there but for the grace of The Big Mouth goes I.

The office door swings open and Mr. Bannon enters from his office.

Mr. Bannon:Reince! Where’s that executive order I asked for?

Reince: The one about no Muslims allowed on television?

Mr. Bannon: Yeah.

Reince: Not doing it, Steve. Unconstitutional.

Mr. Bannon:Wait. Seriously, Reince?

Reince: Seriously, Steve.

Mr. Bannon: I wish you had told me! I scratched one out last night and handed it to the big guy for review.

Reince: Well, maybe he read it and realized it’s out of bounds and didn’t sign it.

Long pause.

Reince: I’m kidding. Did we all forget what kidding is?

Mr. Bannon looks to Kellyanne.

Mr. Bannon: Kellyanne! We need to get that executive order found and destroyed before you-know-who finds it and signs it.

Kellyanne: On it, Mr. Bannon! And, I was wondering if I could have –

Mr. Bannon heads back into his office and slams the door.

Kellyanne: (finishing) — just a few minutes of your . . . time?

Reince: I wouldn’t head in there, Kellyanne. He’s in a bad mood.

Kellyanne: I don’t care! I’ve been here for almost six weeks and it’s time I got a raise.

She stands at her desk and crosses to Mr. Bannon’s office, smoothing her dress and fixing her hair as she does. She takes a deep breath, then knocks.

Mr. Bannon (OS): What?

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’d like to speak with you if I could.

Mr. Bannon (OS): You can’t.

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’m coming in there!

Kellyanne crosses into Mr. Bannon’s office. Donald Trump enters from the lobby doors.

Donald Trump: Hi guys!

They ad-lib hellos.

Donald Trump:Reince, I need to talk to you about the material you wrote for me last night. I have to say, it was a little off-color.

Reince: (sighs) What are you talking about? It was a short speech about the Middle East.

Donald Trump produces a piece of paper and shows it to Reince.

Donald Trump: What’s this word?

Reince: “Shiite.”

Donald Trump:Oh.

Cut to:

Int. Mr. Bannon’s office — continuous

Kellyanne is standing in front of Mr. Bannon’s desk. Mr. Bannon ignores her as he types on his typewriter. He types for a few moments without looking up.

Mr. Bannon: (still typing) Kellyanne?

Kellyanne: Yes, Mr. Bannon?

Mr. Bannon: You’re hovering. I hate hovering.

She sits.

Mr. Bannon: Okay, now you’re sitting. Don’t know which I hate more, hovering or sitting.

Kellyanne: Mr. Bannon, I’ve been working here for almost two months, and in that time I’ve done a great job. I mean, I think I have. I’ve appeared on news shows, spoken up for our policies, been ever-vigilant against Muslim apologists, and I really think it’s time, I mean I really really think it’s time –

Mr. Bannon: Okay, Kellyanne, you can have a raise.

Kellyanne: — that I get a raise.


Kellyanne (Cont’d): What?

Mr. Bannon smiles.

Mr. Bannon: You know something, Kellyanne? You’ve got integrity.

Kellyanne: Thank you, Mr. Bannon.

Mr. Bannon: I hate integrity.

Kellyanne’s face drops.

Mr. Bannon: I’m just kidding, Kellyanne. You don’t have integrity.

Her smile returns.

Kellyanne: Thank you, Mr. Bannon!

Cut to:

Int. office — continuous

Donald Trump stands by Reince’s desk, pointing out parts of a prepared speech.

Donald Trump: And that’s why I think we need something in there about my resort property in Ireland. Not because it’s mine, Reince, but because it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful pristine place untouched by anything. Still pure and empty and new.

Reince: Sort of like your mind.

Donald Trump: Ha ha. Very funny. I just think people should know we still have units available.

Kellyanne enters from Mr. Bannon’s office.

Kellyanne: (to Donald Trump) Sir! Good morning! I’ve been looking for you!

Donald Trump: Well, you found me! Kellyanne, will you talk to Reince about putting dirty words in my speeches?

Reince: Donald! “Shiite” is not a dirty word. And neither is “emoluments.”

Donald Trump: Are you sure about that last one? Sure sounds sexual.

Kellyanne: Sir, I was hoping I could ask you to give me back the paper with the Muslim television ban on it?

Donald Trump: No time to talk, Kellyanne. I have to go announce that I’ve banned Muslims from television. Afterwards, we can talk about whatever it is you’re talking about.

Donald Trump exits toward the television studio.

Kellyanne: Uh boy.

Fade Out.

End of Act One.

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