Magazine | April 3, 2017, Issue

Questions from POTUS




SUBJ: Please note the areas marked below and re-send with annotations and explanations for POTUS.




NSA FILE 345.76


Begin Extract 1:

[Static. Hiss. Beeping noise.]


[Microwave door opening.]

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Let it sit for a sec. Those things come out of there, like hot, like lava hot.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: Is fine, Donald. Is fine. Is Hot Pocket. Is supposed to be hots. Made to eat it hots.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: You know what? This is crazy. This is the problem. People eat those right from the thing and the cheese and the whatever is so hot, I cannot — people are saying, good people, smart people, let it rest! Let it sit there on the counter or wherever. I cannot burn my tongue, Melania. Someone please tell her I cannot burn my tongue.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: So I am already being a pastry chef since two months? It beeps! You eat! Why is there something for the yelling?

End Extract 1.

Question from POTUS: What is a Hot Pocket and is it possibly some kind of code?


Begin Extract 2:

[Car door opening, closing.]


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: It’s your lunch, sir. I thought you’d like something on the way to the rally.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: You’re smart, you know that? How do I always get the smartest people around me? So smart. Eat, rally, then I’m not so tired for the thing after the other thing, whatever, people are saying, Keep your energy up, and you know that there’s nothing wrong with my energy that this can’t fix, am I right?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Rhetorical question, Kellyanne. You’re new here, you’ll get used to it.

[Sound of thin cardboard container being opened.]

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: What is this, a Big Mac?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Beautiful. So fabulous. And see here, the way I like it? The cheese is all melty still and the bun hasn’t gotten all mushed against the other stuff, the condiments whatever, like it was fresh, fresh, so important, otherwise the thing can be like a brick.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: So happy you’re enjoying it, sir.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: They’re coming up with a bigger one of these, you know. Like a Grand Mac or something. Let’s call the guy. Make a big announcement or something. Pitch like a Trump Mac or a MAGA Mac or something, be fun, very American, show everyone we’re coming back. Trump Mac or Mac Trump or –

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: — the Big Trump or something? Great!

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Big Trump? Because I’m so fat? Is that –

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: No, no, no — no sir, no –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: I’m a big fat clown, is that what you think?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: No! Not at all! I was just riffing on the Big Mac concept, which you so brilliantly –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Okay, forget it. Done. Over and forgotten. Want one of my fries?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: Well, maybe just one if –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Rhetorical question, Kellyanne. You’re new here, you’ll get used to it.

End Extract 2.

Questions from POTUS: What is his exact BMI? Possible to get? Please bring an example of this item, a “Big Mac,” and samples of “fries” for inspection and analysis. Also: Need cryptographical report on entire exchange. Impossible to believe it was truly about a hamburger.

Begin Extract 3:

[Papers shuffling, remote-control clicking sounds.]

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: See, here, look. I got nothing on this one, because they, the kids or grandkids or whatever, I don’t know, because no one is doing these things and paying attention, I’m on a plane, I’m here I’m there and then the TV gets switched to, what input do I want?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: For the thing! I want to watch the thing! I have my Twizzlers and it’s time for the thing I like! Just tell me — how do I — is it Input 1? Is it the HDM-whatever thing?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE 2: I’ll have someone come and fix the television –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Back to my original thing, my original settings, the way I like –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE 2: Just that way, sir. Now, the debate-prep team is here and they’re waiting in the conference room, so why don’t we –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: There it is! Got it! It’s Input 2 from the cable thingy. And there she is! Judge Judy! You know she makes 50 million dollars a year? Jared? Did you know that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE 2: I did not know that, sir.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Fifty. Five zero. Per. You and I are in the wrong business, my friend.

End Extract 3.

No questions from POTUS. Self-explanatory.

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