Magazine | April 17, 2017, Issue

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House Speaker Paul Ryan (Reuters photo: Kevin Lamarque)

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Major Legislative Body

A major legislative body located in a dynamic and cosmopolitan world capital seeks a tireless, solutions-oriented go-getter type to serve as Speaker of one of its main organizational units. Candidate should have a basic familiarity with the nuts and bolts of legislation and a willingness to work with others in a collaborative fashion. In addition, candidate should possess physical and communication skills necessary to keep the team motivated and on track to achieve its fiscal and organizational goals. Candidate should be able to work within — and without — the normal and customary tethers to reality, and should exhibit in past experience some success in dealing with irrational or unpredictable chains of events. Strong preference given to candidates who are satisfied with remaining friendless, and who have a demonstrated ability to work with the (functional) mentally ill. Please send relevant information (résumé, personal statement, etc.) to the recruiter listed above. Interested in all genders and ethnicities.

World-Class Intelligence-Gathering Organization

A world-class intelligence-gathering organization seeks candidates to act as if they are intelligence analysts with vast and broad experience in the collection, analysis, protection, and big-picture understanding of the many threads and sources of intelligence currently flowing into a large administrative body. These candidates will have excellent communication skills and a proven record of interpersonal-relationship-management success and will be able to convey total mastery of the many facets of international intelligence. The candidates will have one central responsibility, to serve as the chief and only liaison from the organization to the chief executive of the entire operation. The ideal candidates will be female, under 35, and willing to express their personal openness to their direct supervisor. Please note: The successful candidates SHOULD NOT have any real or field experience in any intelligence-gathering organization. No security clearance is required or allowed. This position is strictly limited to candidates who can proficiently create the illusion of delivering real and vetted intelligence to the chief executive, while at the same time wearing low-cut, revealing, semi-businesslike attire. Open to several candidates for this position. Candidates will be expected, at times, to work closely together.

C-Suite-Level Operations Chief

A major first-rank executive and administrative body seeks candidates for its soon-to-be-vacant position of operations chief. The position is a complicated and challenging one, interfacing directly with the chief executive of the administrative body and his many direct reports. An ability to work with mildly dysfunctional family members is a plus. In addition, a successful candidate will be able to juggle multiple boxes on an organization chart, plot out and strategize effective methods of communications and public relations, guide important initiatives through challenging buy-in phases with other coequal organizational bodies, and be able to show past experience working with and reporting to the emotionally unstable. Please send résumé and personal statement to the recruiter listed. Please also include all current medications. The successful candidate’s first deliverable will be to terminate the current operations chief.

Visual-Effects Expert

A major top-tier executive seeks an enthusiastic and energetic visual-effects expert to lead a team of first-rank video and visual-effects professionals in a visual-documentary project chronicling a major construction project about to begin in the southwestern part of the United States. Candidate should be expert with current trends and technology in the video and image-capture fields as well as be conversant in Spanish. A successful candidate will have a proven track record in team-building and leadership, and will be proficient enough to be able to visually depict a constructed wall of no more than nine miles in such a way that it appears to span the entire southern border of the United States. Further, the candidate should be able to accurately estimate the total cost of all visual effects, computer-generated imaging, and digital-element development in order to make it seem to viewers in Ohio, Indiana, West Virginia, Michigan, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Pennsylvania that a giant border wall exists, that it’s huge, and that it works. Possible follow-on work on a contract basis to digitally include tiny human figures being deterred by the “wall” or falling off its 100-foot sheer surface. Please include previous salary history.

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In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Faster and Faster Health care is a deeply complicated subject, and the same goes for economics, and when the two collide, the results can get pretty technical. Despite all this, in ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Carlos the Jackal, the notorious Marxist terrorist, has just received his third life sentence in France. If he is getting bored with those, the United States does offer an ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

‘PREFERRING THESE BRIEF, TEMPERATE WINTER SESSIONS . . . ’ Preferring these brief, temperate winter sessions Beyond the dawn to any in the seasons, But realizing they will leave impressions, Not memories, for temperamental ...

Most Popular

Politics & Policy

Hillary Ruins the Plan

Editor’s note: Andrew C. McCarthy’s new book is Ball of Collusion: The Plot to Rig an Election and Destroy a Presidency. This is the first in a series of excerpts.  There really was a collusion plot. It really did target our election system. It absolutely sought to usurp our capacity for ... Read More
Culture

An Insider’s Guide to Italian Insults

The tragicomic irony of Chris Cuomo’s pugilistic outburst earlier this week — cursing and physically threatening a man for taunting him with a reference to the movie The Godfather — is that the CNN anchor reinforced the usual tropes about Italian Americans. We are all wise-guys, goons, and Mafiosi, just ... Read More
Religion

Another Pop-Culture Christian Loses His Faith

It’s happened again. For the second time in three weeks, a prominent (at least in Evangelical circles) Christian has renounced his faith. In July, it was Josh Harris, a pastor and author of the mega-best-selling purity-culture book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This month, it’s Hillsong United songwriter and ... Read More
World

The End of Hong Kong as We Know It

The protests in Hong Kong have been going on for more than four months now, and no matter how the current crisis concludes in the coming days or weeks, it will mark the end of Hong Kong as we know it. The protests started in response to an extradition bill that was proposed by the city’s Beijing-backed ... Read More
Economy & Business

The Great Mystery

Kevin Williamson disputes my characterization of his riposte. He writes: I wrote that people can choose what kind of work they want to do, and what kind of services they want to consume, without any help from Michael. Kevin then accuses me of being a stouthearted defender of the “Real America.” If ... Read More