Magazine | May 29, 2017, Issue

NSA Surveillance Transcript

RECORDED UNDER FISA DIRECTIVE 349.12A

TOP SECRET

STATUS: MASKED

Begin extract.

[Static. Clicks.]

MALE VOICE 1: Look at that. Look at that. Now that’s a grilled cheese, am I right? People are saying, they say to me, all over, doesn’t matter where I am, why can’t we make a grilled cheese like we used to? And know what I say to them?

MALE VOICE 2: Hello? Yes? We are on the phone, Donald. Is time now for call. Yes?

MALE VOICE 1: Oh! Hey! Yeah! Sorry, was just telling Sean something about this amazing — you gotta come here, Vladimir. The guy here does this incredible sandwich –

MALE VOICE 2: Is not now time for this. Sandwich talk, not for this time. Please. Donald. This is a talk to have.

[Tone.]

MALE VOICE 2: Who is joined? Someone to conference call has connected?

FEMALE VOICE: Bonjour, messieurs. Désolée pour le retard –

MALE VOICE 1: I ordered the steak.

FEMALE VOICE: — Il y avait des problèmes avec le numéro d’identité –

MALE VOICE 1: Okay, this isn’t the waitress at the Mar-a-Lago . . .

MALE VOICE 2: I am very busyness. Can we please — Donald, we are talking to Madame Le Pen.

MALE VOICE 1: Ooooooh. Ouch. Seriously. Too bad. Not a great campaign, honestly. People are saying it wasn’t great.

FEMALE VOICE: Well of course they are mostly Jews.

MALE VOICE 1: Not mostly, no. Some, I’m sure. But it’s out there, is what I’m saying. Just a loser of a campaign, sorry to say, Mary.

FEMALE VOICE: Marine.

MALE VOICE 1: No, I never served. Went to military school, and being single in the Seventies, let me tell you, in all honesty, a lot like Vietnam. But no. Never was a Marine. But I respect and revere our military –

FEMALE VOICE: No! No! I mean, je m’appelle — my name, my name is “Marine.” It is “Marine.” Not “Mary” or “Marie.” “Marine.” I am called that.

MALE VOICE 1: “Marine” is a weird name. Is your sister named “Coast Guard”?

[Silence. Static.]

MALE VOICE 1: Wow. Tough room.

MALE VOICE 2: Silence. Silence. Why is it the headache I am pounding in my head all the time when we have this phone together, Donald? Please. Was hoping that three of us can think of next precisions for large plan.

MALE VOICE 1: Large plan? Better not be a fat shot, Vladimir.

FEMALE VOICE: Donald, this is a situation that is philosophical. I have as you know lost the mandate. What is imperative at this time is for a new strategy to emerge.

MALE VOICE 1: She talks pretty good. I thought it was a no-Engleesh-type deal, but guess not.

MALE VOICE 2: What is now is that the e-mail release no longer has utility. We did an e-mailyana hackniyatski from the opposition with this Fransk mandate and it was of use zero. Now what is necessary is –

MALE VOICE 1: Coulda told you the e-mail thing wouldn’t work in France. In the first place, who speaks French? Nobody I know speaks French. Sean Hannity? Alex Jones? Totally not French in any way, shape, or form. Let me tell you something, and this is something I know, something I hear all over the place, something people say to me and have said — believe me, it’s incredible, it really is, just amazing what’s been accomplished.

FEMALE VOICE: What is he saying, this cretin?

MALE VOICE 1: Thank you, but like I said, I never served.

MALE VOICE 2: Donald, this is not –

MALE VOICE 1: You know what I told Vladimir, Marine? I said, and okay, I’m not politically correct, but I said, maybe she should lose some weight. Around the face, because I didn’t see the other parts on the shows, it was mostly the face and jowl area –

FEMALE VOICE: I am fat?

MALE VOICE 1: Your words, dear. No, just, and you know what it is? It’s all of the French-women-don’t-get-fat business, all of that, people say to me, they come up and it’s thank you and keep doing what you’re doing and what’s all of this about French women not getting fat –

FEMALE VOICE: People say this to you? In that fashion?

MALE VOICE 2: Nyet! Donald, no, on track please, on topic!

MALE VOICE 1: They do all the time! Because then they see you, and let’s be honest, you’re not a slender lady, right? With the eclairs and the all of that? Take some time, lose 20 or 30 or even 40, really, because it’s there, okay? It is there. I saw it on Morning Joe.

MALE VOICE 2: Mistake to this arrange. Ending this.

FEMALE VOICE: I am confused. I had the impression we were going to strategize the return of a powerful Right in Europe?

MALE VOICE 1: Not so much with the bread, then.

End extract.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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