IN THE MATTER OF:

Octopussy

et al.

V.

James Bond

The above-named plaintiffs — and others to be included at a later date — allege that in separate instances the above-named defendant, James Bond, repeatedly made unwanted advances upon their persons, in locations including public areas, private hotel rooms, corporate-jet interiors, ski slopes, and hollowed-out volcano hideaways. Further, plaintiffs claim that defendant refused to accept their demurrals, would not take “No” for an answer, and in some instances used his considerable latitude vis-à-vis License to Kill etc. to coerce, intimidate, blackmail, and relentlessly pursue the plaintiffs into unwanted situations.

Plaintiffs allege that defendant utilized the full powers of the British Secret Service to entice — via threats and promises — each plaintiff into acquiescing to acts and services beyond the normal, expected bounds of business behavior. In several instances, defendant made extensive use of complicated gadgetry — provided, again, by HM Secret Service — to aid in the unzipping of dresses, the converting of chairs to reclining mode, the X-ray-vision penetration of bikini-type swimming costumes, and in some extreme cases the unwanted detaining and non-consensual imprisonment of plaintiffs in small submersible vehicles, cramped space capsules, armed automobiles, and first-class Pullman cars.

HM Secret Service Quartermaster, “Q,” is also named as a co-defendant in a separate filing.

In multiple depositions, defendant is described as arrogant, old-fashioned, and “very full of himself.” In multiple depositions, it is recounted how the defendant intimidated and threatened his way into inappropriate physical contact with the plaintiffs.

EXCERPTS:

plaintiff kissy suzuki: “At first I couldn’t believe it. He was actually wearing fake eyelids, I guess to look more appealing to someone of Asian descent, but the truth was, it was incredibly offensive. I kept looking around, waiting for the hidden cameras or whatever, but then it hit me that this was an actual arranged fake marriage! I was just so offended and creeped out by the whole thing, and I’ll be honest, I almost didn’t go through with the mission. That’s what he called it, by the way. ‘The mission.’ But he knew my boss, and what could I do?”

plaintiff dink: “I have a name, you know. An actual name. It’s Deborah, not that he ever asked. I went to college and studied art history and I really thought that he wanted to talk to me because I know something about the malleable properties of gold and gold leaf, but the minute we got to the cabana and he closed the curtains it was just, ‘Hey, honey, massage this.’”

plaintiff holly goodhead: “He’s a pig. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I had to go to outer space with the guy — ugh! I can still smell his cologne, Floris or something, yuck! And we’re trying to save the world or whatever, and he’s got his hands all over me and he’s making all of these awful puns and arching an eyebrow and just when I thought it was all over, he reminds me that he not only has a license to kill — he shows me his little Beretta and I was like, I’m supposed to be impressed by that? — and then he starts firing lasers all over the place and I’ll admit it, it was a giant letdown because, okay, yes, I thought working with him would be good for my career, because he’s a legend, right? Who in their right mind wouldn’t want James Bond as a mentor? But that’s when I found out what his definition of ‘mentor’ is.”

plaintiff pussy galore: “He insisted on calling me by this absurd and demeaning name. It is not my name! My name is Peggy. At first I thought he was just mishearing it. Later, when I realized he was deliberately calling me this — I’ll say it — sexist name, I was like, Hey! I’m at work, okay? This is my job! Please show me the respect and courtesy I’m owed. But of course none of that worked. He was just such a jerk. I’ll bet he didn’t even notice that I can actually fly a plane!”