Sunday, January 7, 2018
Host al-Irshad: Issue One! “Who Pyongyang’ed Your Chain?” With tensions rising in the Korean Peninsula, the decadent whoremonger U.S. president has continued to issue petulant and provocative tweets directed at the effeminate leader of the North Korean people. Is this a prelude to a peaceful negotiation, or should we all be preparing for a showdown, I ask you, Political Consultant Salil Faqtb.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: This is an absurd question. You are a silly dancing boy. It is clear that the president of the United States is a louche and unrepentant sensualist and he will die a thousand deaths. But it is also clear, as the saying goes, that the man who wins the fight is the man with the biggest pants.
Al-Irshad: Which would be . . . ?
Salil Faqtb: At this moment, I would have to say the American president wears larger pants.
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: Can I break in here with some reality? The reason we’re talking about North Korea is because in this region, we have things we don’t want to talk about —
Salil Faqtb: Here we go with the liberal progressive —
Qu’Turush: Can I finish? Will you let me finish, please? We’ve got chaos in Yemen, a shattered Syria, crazy messed-up things happening in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia — women driving around like prostitutes, and so forth — and a breakdown of order in Iran, why aren’t we talking about these things? We’re being distracted. It’s part of Trump’s strategy to –
Salil Faqtb: Nonsense! Liberals like yourself are to blame for the troubles our people are suffering.
Qu’Turush: Hey, if thinking it’s okay for women to drive short distances with the written permission of their husbands makes me a quote unquote liberal, then, yeah, I’m a liberal.
Al-Irshad: Burka-burning in the streets of Tehran! What say you, Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush?
Qu’Turush: Times have changed. We need to keep up with the young people and where they’re at. So, no, I wouldn’t stone such a woman to death. I’d stone her, yes, of course — that’s the centrist position — but I would aim for the soft fleshy part of the –
Salil Faqtb: Silence yourself, you wretched powdered and rouged ladyboy! I will strike you down with my squiggly knife!
Al-Irshad: Issue Two! “I’m So Sharia!” As the decrepit and festering American culture lurches towards its doom at the hands of Allah, men from its media and power centers are being publicly humiliated and scorned for such things as “sexual harassment” and “unwanted physical assaults.” Question for you, Ba’ath-Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: When will it occur to the Americans that sharia law in all of its forms is the only way to prevent this kind of perversion?
Ba’ath-Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: Well, al-Irshad, I gotta say, probably never. The Americans allow their women to walk outside the home uncovered and unchaperoned, exposed to leers and gawking and pretty much everything. My guess is that this is just something that’s going to happen until American men figure out that the best way to win a woman’s affection is to demand goats from her father.
Qu’Turush: The Oscars are going to be weird this year, that’s for sure.
Salil Faqtb: I agree with this assessment.
Al-Irshad: Issue Three! “Trump Bump!” The pollsters tell us that the decadent and louche President Trump will face a difficult election season this November, possibly losing both houses of Congress. He will, of course, suffer unending torment eventually, but in his earthy days ahead, will he be able to pivot and regain his footing? Qu’Turush?
Qu’Turush: Look, Trump’s biggest enemy is himself! Can he pivot? Sure! Will he? Not a chance.
Ali Ba’Nasri: People underestimate this man. Look at all of the beautiful buildings he has with his name on them. Look at his aesthetic and decorative taste. It’s exquisite. It’s refined. It’s timeless. This is a man who knows how to get when he wants.
Ali Ba’Nasri: The House will go Democratic and the Senate will have a razor-thin margin, but that will awaken the Master of the Bazaar within Trump and he will actually get more done and be more popular.
Salil Faqtb: Madness. Impossible. The addled Trump is like a skeletal beggar in a burnoose, puffed up only by flatulence. He is toasted pita. He was not able to secure the election to the Senate of the venerable Judge Roy Moore from Alabama.
Al-Irshad: Good guy.
Ali Ba’Nasri: Plus, he had a way with the ladies. Was polite. Never a bad thing in politics.