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WHOOPI GOLDBERG: . . . just crazy kind of fun, watching all of those incredible athletes at the Olympics last month? Was it a blast? Kim, what was the most mind-blowing moment for you?
KIM YO-JONG: “Kim” is my surname. In Korean, we place that name first, as a way to honor our ancestors.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: That’s really cool. I love that.
JOY BEHAR: We should do that here! Your guys’ culture is so great about the elderly and the respect and just, you know, being really supportive of senior citizens.
KIM YO-JONG: The Juche Ideal requires each of us to surrender our loyalty to the nation-state and the Party. No matter the age, all citizens are required to be vigilant and to denounce all traitors and enemies of the Juche Ideal.
JOY BEHAR: That sounds so fun!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Okay, so, you’re at the Olympics and they’re taking you all over the place and you’re getting wined and dined and what have you and it is just too cray-cray? Were you, like, exhausted, or did you let all that healing energy in?
KIM YO-JONG: The pathetic stooges of the American death machine did not for one instant diminish my pride and devotion to the glorious victories of the athletes of my motherland, nor could the presence of the grotesque dung beetles of the rapacious Western propaganda factories obscure the shining and perpetual glow from the Socialist workers’ paradise as it gave hope to the enslaved peoples of the world.
JOY BEHAR: You go, girl!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I love your sass!
JOY BEHAR: Can we talk about Mike Pence? Bleh! I mean, am I right? Was it weird sitting next to him?
KIM YO-JONG: I did not notice him. I was informed that he was sitting adjacent, but I could see only the skeletal remains of the degenerate and decaying whoremaster leader of a sick and failing regime.
JOY BEHAR: Yaaaassss! Throw that shade, girl! Loving it!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: He didn’t start talking ’bout Jesus with you, did he? ’Cause he’s been known to do that!
JOY BEHAR: Do you even have Jesus in your country? What? I want to know!
KIM YO-JONG: We do not worship the false and superstitious constructions of the blood-drenched West.
JOY BEHAR: Oh, well, I’m sure you guys have something just as nice.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Probably better!
MEGAN McCAIN: Can I just —
JOY BEHAR: Did you meet any celebrities? Is that even a thing where you’re from? Did you meet Adam Rippon? The skater? I’ll bet you guys are BFFs. I mean, you guys both have so much style and you’re both so just, doing you, you know?
KIM YO-JONG: I did not meet the inverted lady-man skater who is a symbol of the decadent mental illness prevalent in this sewer of a country. I can only assure you that in Korea we have no such men, except the few who may be in work camps along with traitors, backsliders, and sensualists where to survive they must sift through the ordure of livestock for undigested bits of food.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Okay, well. You’re from a different culture. And different cultures are what make us diverse.
JOY BEHAR: And diversity makes us stronger!
KIM YO-JONG: What you are saying is madness.
JOY BEHAR: There’s that trademark sass! I feel so seen!
MEGAN McCAIN: Wait. Wait. Do you guys —
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Kim, can we talk about relationships? Is that okay? Can you tell us a little bit about your life back in the other Korea —
KIM YO-JONG: There is only one Korea.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Right. Yeah. Your publicist was very clear on that. My bad.
KIM YO-JONG: There is only one Korea.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Are you seeing someone? Spill the tea, Kim!
KIM YO-JONG: Again, “Kim” is my surname. In Korean, we place that name first, as a way to honor our ancestors.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Damn! My bad! Can’t get used to that!
JOY BEHAR: Is dating hard? Being a Kim where you’re from must make it tough to meet guys, am I right?
KIM YO-JONG: This is a silly nonsensical question.
JOY BEHAR: So, no boyfriend? No one special in your life?
KIM YO-JONG: What is special in my life, to use your terms, is the ideal of reunification of my country with its brothers and sisters to the south.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Girlfriend, you are amazing! Isn’t she amazing, people?
KIM YO-JONG: My chief and singular devotion is to the concept of self-reliance and the victory of our nation over the poxied carrion birds of the West, which will come in a sudden and unannounced burst of nuclear flame over the cities and villages of this nation and any nation that stands in our way. You and your viewers will be incinerated in a cleansing pillar of flame, and the Juche Ideal will rise triumphant.
JOY BEHAR: Good for you!
MEGAN McCAIN: Um, am I the only one who —
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Kim, honey, where can our viewers find you online?
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