Magazine May 28, 2018, Issue

Lawn and Order

Most of the homes in my tightly packed, newish, overpriced suburban neighborhood outside of Washington, D.C., feature a quaint piece of Americana in the form of a white picket fence. It’s somewhat of a cliché, but the real problem is that we’re living a lie. In my area, homeowners are compelled to maintain these pristine white fences. It is decreed by an un-American regime that lords over our decisions with vulgarian sensibilities and the meticulousness of a fascist.

Because of the homeowners’ association (HOA), this ornamental white picket fence consumes my life. I am intimately familiar with the integrity of every

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We propose a total and complete shutdown of New York attorneys general until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

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