Magazine | May 28, 2018, Issue

“The Kellyanne Conway Show”

(Reuters photo: Jonathan Ernst)

Episode 207: Fixing the Leak

 

FADE IN: INT. WEST WING OFFICE — DAY.

(KELLYANNE sits at her desk. She is on the phone.)

Kellyanne: (into phone) I don’t think we’ve ever really defined the phrase “porn star,” in the sense that a “star” is someone whose name usually appears above the title of a film, at least that’s the way it’s conventionally used, and — what? (pause) Yes, I am serious. (pause) Well, I’m really sorry you feel that way but it’s my job to be precise with language. (pause) Well, I’m sorry, too. (pause) No, this isn’t what I imagined working in the White House would be like. (pause) Yes, I am aware that I sound tired. (She hangs up the phone. Starts to sniffle.) Kellyanne, do not start crying. (She’s about to start crying when WE HEAR from the open office door:)

John F. Kelly (OS): Kellyanne! Do not start crying.

Kellyanne: (crying) I won’t, sir.

(JOHN F. KELLY enters from his office.)

John F. Kelly: Kellyanne, stop it this minute.

Kellyanne: (crying harder) Okay, sir. I will, sir.

(JOHN F. KELLY sighs.)

John F. Kelly: Kellyanne, I’m taking the rest of the day off.

Kellyanne: But what if something crazy happens, sir? Where can I reach you?

John F. Kelly: That’s just the point, Kellyanne. Something crazy is bound to happen. It’s just the law around here. And when it does, I will be out of the office. Unreachable. Somewhere unknown.

Kellyanne: But how will I — ?

John F. Kelly: You won’t, Kellyanne. It’s my new process. I’m trying it out today. See, I just head out. Go somewhere. Hell, see a movie. Pardon my French, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne: Your French is pardoned, sir.

John F. Kelly: So here’s our new operational mode, pending a change in operational imperatives. When something insane happens, or something insane and/or legally actionable is spoken, released, or that other thing —

Kellyanne: Tweeted, sir?

John F. Kelly: You know I don’t like that word, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne: Sorry, sir.

John F. Kelly: Anyway, whenever something like that happens, my past approved tactical response has been to move quickly to repair the damage. My new rules of engagement are to do precisely zero.

Kellyanne: Zero, sir?

John F. Kelly: Zero, Kellyanne. As in zip, zilch, nada. As in, take the afternoon and go see one of those movies where people fly around in space.

Kellyanne: That sounds like a good plan, sir. You know, I was thinking that maybe I could —

John F. Kelly: You stay here, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne: . . . just stay here all day.

John F. Kelly: Exactly. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to shimmy out of here before something weird happens and I’m —

(RUDY GIULIANI enters.)

Rudy Giuliani: Hey oh! Sweet Kellyanne! So great to see you. And a big hey to you, too, John.

John F. Kelly: General.

Rudy Giuliani: General, right, I’m sorry. Anyway, lots to do today. I need phone records, and I need a rib-eye steak, and I need tax returns from the past ten years. Well, we aren’t getting the phone records or the tax returns so let’s just get the steak and have a nice lunch! Kidding. I’m kidding. No, but seriously, here’s what I need. I need to know who in this office — not this office, you know, but this office, like, as in, the offices that surround this general area — is talking to Mueller because it’s awfully hard to push back against all of this stuff without knowing who is back-channeling to the other side, see? So let’s settle in and —

John F. Kelly: I have an appointment.

Rudy Giuliani: Won’t take a second, I promise. Just need a covert-ops type dealio, where we identify the leaker and then feed him — or her! Gotta be PC, I know, right, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne: I guess.

Rudy Giuliani: Anyways, follow me? Leak wrong stuff to the leaker, leaker leaks to Mueller, we make Mueller look like a fool. It’s brilliant. You guys follow me, right? Identify the rat, then feed it poison to send up the chain?

John F. Kelly: This is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Only a total moron — or worse — would come up with something like this.

(DONALD TRUMP enters, leaning into the room while holding the doors.)

Donald Trump: Hi guys! (He saunters in.) Did Rudy tell you about my brilliant plan?

(JOHN F. KELLY coughs a bit. KELLYANNE looks at him.)

Kellyanne: Sir, do not start crying.

FADE OUT.

In This Issue

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Features

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