Magazine | June 25, 2018, Issue

From the Twitter Feed of Kim Jong-Un, @youthcaptain

(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters and Korea Summit Press Pool/File Photos)

DM @realDonaldTrump Hey, so it looks like this thing is on, right? We’re going to meet in Singapore?

DM @youthcaptain Looking that way, my friend. People are saying Trump is so smart.

DM @realDonaldTrump People are saying, Hey, that Kim, he’s a player. People are saying that Kim should be with a new girlfriend like Carrie Underwood or Mayim Bialik. People are saying that.

DM @youthcaptain You know what? The “people are saying” thing is mine, okay? It’s a signature phrase, and I’d like it if you stopped copying me.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m not copying you, okay? More than one person can say “people are saying.”

DM @youthcaptain Let me just tell you that it makes you appear weak. It makes you appear like a little person who copies a bigger person. Free advice is all I’m saying.

DM @realDonaldTrump I don’t need your advice. When we meet in Singapore I will be commanding and in charge. Sad. You’re a loser and a hater.

DM @youthcaptain See, there you go again. Copying me. Stop it. And if you’re gonna do it, do it right. The “sad” part comes at the end of the tweet, like a little snap. You just don’t get it. You need your own identity. Stop trying to be someone else. Sick.

DM @youthcaptain See? At the end of the sentence. It’s what we call “the kicker.”

DM @realDonaldTrump You know what’s sad? When you see me and Mayim Bialik out at the club doing the lambada, which for your information is known as the “Forbidden Dance.”

DM @youthcaptain Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Like, a million years ago! Like in the ’90s! That was two wives ago for me! Wait. THREE wives ago! Man, get it together. In the first place, Mayim Bialik while a very talented comic actress is, like, forty? Old.

DM @realDonaldTrump You are trying to use your famous three-dimension chess on me. Mayim Bialik is the winsome and delightful star of TV’s “Blossom,” and I am at this moment trying to kidnap her and bring her to Pyongyang to be my bride.

DM @realDonaldTrump Don’t spread that around. Guy code, okay?

DM @youthcaptain I cannot believe you are so wrong about everything. “Blossom” hasn’t been on the air for many years. You’re a nut job. Plus, aren’t you already married?

DM @realDonaldTrump Look who’s talking.

DM @youthcaptain Okay, I’ll allow that.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m sorry. I got off on the wrong foot. Can I tell you something? Everyone here is against the whole idea of our meetup. They think that I’m like some starry-eyed fanboy who just wants to be exactly like you.

DM @youthcaptain LOL! They’re saying that about me, too!

DM @realDonaldTrump LOL

DM @youthcaptain LOL

DM @realDonaldTrump But the truth is, I’m bad with girls and my dad was never around and I see you flying around in that cool helicopter and with the blue suit and the hot ladies all around and I guess I want you to teach me things. I’ll say it. I think of you like a dad. Maybe in Singapore you and I could just get together and chill.

DM @youthcaptain I admit I have a powerful animal magnetism.

DM @realDonaldTrump Totally.

DM @youthcaptain And you’re right to admire me. People admire me. Everyone says that.

DM @realDonaldTrump I wish they said that about me.

DM @youthcaptain Don’t sell yourself short. You want the respect and the ladies? You gotta act like they’re yours. You want to wear the blue suit? Then wear it, know what I mean?

DM @realDonaldTrump I tried on a blue suit the other day. I looked like a giant blue pumpkin.

DM @youthcaptain You should meet my tailor. It’s just a matter of letting it out along the lower torso.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m hopeless. The only thing I’ve got going on is my hair.

DM @youthcaptain I agree. You’ve got great hair.

DM @realDonaldTrump Coming from you, that means a lot.

DM @youthcaptain You know what? Singapore is going to be a blast.

DM @realDonaldTrump Can I call you “Dad”?

DM @youthcaptain Whoa, whoa. Slow your roll there. I’ve already got two sons, okay?

DM @realDonaldTrump Three, you mean.

DM @youthcaptain What? Wait. What? Oh, right. Yes. I have three sons. And I’ve kind of got my hands full. Not looking for anything serious at this point.

DM @realDonaldTrump I get it. Really. I guess I’m just looking for someone to mentor me and help me be more chill and down with the ladies.

DM @youthcaptain That I can do.

In This Issue




Dictator Lit

A fair number of books can be counted a disgrace to literature. But only a special type of book stands as an embarrassment to printing.

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The Week

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Tensions are high, conflict threatens to flare up, but let’s hope the situation between the White House and the Philadelphia Eagles can be resolved peacefully.

Fair as Feck

To remind her audience that they were good people and so that they could applaud her bravery, Samantha Bee called the president’s daughter a “feckless c***.”

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