Magazine | June 25, 2018, Issue

From the Twitter Feed of Kim Jong-Un, @youthcaptain

(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters and Korea Summit Press Pool/File Photos)

DM @realDonaldTrump Hey, so it looks like this thing is on, right? We’re going to meet in Singapore?

DM @youthcaptain Looking that way, my friend. People are saying Trump is so smart.

DM @realDonaldTrump People are saying, Hey, that Kim, he’s a player. People are saying that Kim should be with a new girlfriend like Carrie Underwood or Mayim Bialik. People are saying that.

DM @youthcaptain You know what? The “people are saying” thing is mine, okay? It’s a signature phrase, and I’d like it if you stopped copying me.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m not copying you, okay? More than one person can say “people are saying.”

DM @youthcaptain Let me just tell you that it makes you appear weak. It makes you appear like a little person who copies a bigger person. Free advice is all I’m saying.

DM @realDonaldTrump I don’t need your advice. When we meet in Singapore I will be commanding and in charge. Sad. You’re a loser and a hater.

DM @youthcaptain See, there you go again. Copying me. Stop it. And if you’re gonna do it, do it right. The “sad” part comes at the end of the tweet, like a little snap. You just don’t get it. You need your own identity. Stop trying to be someone else. Sick.

DM @youthcaptain See? At the end of the sentence. It’s what we call “the kicker.”

DM @realDonaldTrump You know what’s sad? When you see me and Mayim Bialik out at the club doing the lambada, which for your information is known as the “Forbidden Dance.”

DM @youthcaptain Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Like, a million years ago! Like in the ’90s! That was two wives ago for me! Wait. THREE wives ago! Man, get it together. In the first place, Mayim Bialik while a very talented comic actress is, like, forty? Old.

DM @realDonaldTrump You are trying to use your famous three-dimension chess on me. Mayim Bialik is the winsome and delightful star of TV’s “Blossom,” and I am at this moment trying to kidnap her and bring her to Pyongyang to be my bride.

DM @realDonaldTrump Don’t spread that around. Guy code, okay?

DM @youthcaptain I cannot believe you are so wrong about everything. “Blossom” hasn’t been on the air for many years. You’re a nut job. Plus, aren’t you already married?

DM @realDonaldTrump Look who’s talking.

DM @youthcaptain Okay, I’ll allow that.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m sorry. I got off on the wrong foot. Can I tell you something? Everyone here is against the whole idea of our meetup. They think that I’m like some starry-eyed fanboy who just wants to be exactly like you.

DM @youthcaptain LOL! They’re saying that about me, too!

DM @realDonaldTrump LOL

DM @youthcaptain LOL

DM @realDonaldTrump But the truth is, I’m bad with girls and my dad was never around and I see you flying around in that cool helicopter and with the blue suit and the hot ladies all around and I guess I want you to teach me things. I’ll say it. I think of you like a dad. Maybe in Singapore you and I could just get together and chill.

DM @youthcaptain I admit I have a powerful animal magnetism.

DM @realDonaldTrump Totally.

DM @youthcaptain And you’re right to admire me. People admire me. Everyone says that.

DM @realDonaldTrump I wish they said that about me.

DM @youthcaptain Don’t sell yourself short. You want the respect and the ladies? You gotta act like they’re yours. You want to wear the blue suit? Then wear it, know what I mean?

DM @realDonaldTrump I tried on a blue suit the other day. I looked like a giant blue pumpkin.

DM @youthcaptain You should meet my tailor. It’s just a matter of letting it out along the lower torso.

DM @realDonaldTrump I’m hopeless. The only thing I’ve got going on is my hair.

DM @youthcaptain I agree. You’ve got great hair.

DM @realDonaldTrump Coming from you, that means a lot.

DM @youthcaptain You know what? Singapore is going to be a blast.

DM @realDonaldTrump Can I call you “Dad”?

DM @youthcaptain Whoa, whoa. Slow your roll there. I’ve already got two sons, okay?

DM @realDonaldTrump Three, you mean.

DM @youthcaptain What? Wait. What? Oh, right. Yes. I have three sons. And I’ve kind of got my hands full. Not looking for anything serious at this point.

DM @realDonaldTrump I get it. Really. I guess I’m just looking for someone to mentor me and help me be more chill and down with the ladies.

DM @youthcaptain That I can do.

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