Magazine | August 13, 2018, Issue

From Your Inboxes . . .

(Kai Pfaffenbach/Reuters)

Facebook Messenger:

Hi! I don’t know if you’ll remember me but we were in kindergarten together! I was going through some old stuff in my parents’ basement and came upon some pictures that I guess you drew of me and I thought it might be fun to post them on your wall!

Some of them, as you can see, present a pretty awful body image of me, and there’s an undercurrent of fat-shaming in the use of heavy crayon. I totally get that in many ways this is how all children draw, and in fact it’s the way you depicted yourself and others in the class, with oversized round heads, stick arms and legs protruding directly from the head circle, and, in the case of the girls, a triangle indicating, I think, a dress.

But here’s my truth: Ever since we were in kindergarten together I’ve had a really hard time initiating and maintaining intimate relationships, and I have been in and out of the court system, and a lot of that I really have to trace back to your depiction of me using the big round head.

I’ve posted them to your wall and sent copies to your employer, and I hope everyone takes the proper action.

Have a great day!

Instagram DM:

Hey there! Great pic of your newborn! So cute!!! I know you don’t know me, but I was just scrolling through the “you may also like” section and found your feed! Love it! I liked about a million of your Instas because you really know your filters!!! Unfortunately, I also noticed in one of the Instas of your new baby that in the background there was an electrical outlet that wasn’t babyproofed. And I know you probably thought that if you used “tilt shift” you could fuzz it out, but it’s the kind of thing a person like me notices. The police and Child Protective Services are on their way right now to your house to arrest you and remove your child from your care pending investigation of negligence. #littleonesmatter #ittakesavillage

Twitter:

DM Thanks for your recent inquiry about our home-finance and home-mortgage products. Before we can move forward with your home loan, we need you to explain several tweets that have appeared in your timeline — as either tweets/replies or retweets — that have alarmed and upset our home-finance team. For instance, several years ago you tweeted a photograph of the famous Bruce Jenner Wheaties cereal box with the message: “Kinda weird to think about this now, huh?” which many members of our team found offensive and transphobic. You also retweeted a promotional tweet from Netflix that directed viewers to the premiere of the second season of House of Cards, which featured the now-disgraced actor Kevin Spacey, an action that some on the Compliance and Risk Management Team found trivialized rape and engaged in victim-blaming. For these reasons, we cannot move forward with your home loan, and are alerting the TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian credit-reporting agencies of these developments.

Slack:

Hey there! Not sure if this is the right person, but do you by any chance drive the red Honda Accord that usually parks in the east parking lot, right near the shipping dock? If so, I’m pretty sure I overheard you on your mobile phone talking to someone in a loud and argumentative tone of voice — maybe it was your wife? — and I found your tone of voice and general “mansplaining” attitude very upsetting, so I spoke to the HR people and they’d like you to come to their office and get reassigned to another facility. Thanks!

Registered Letter:

From: The Estate of Helen Keller

IN RE: Unacceptable language

By accepting receipt of this letter you acknowledge that the Estate of Helen Keller has a claim against you and persons to be named later in regards to several jokes and/or “humorous” riddles that singled out the late Helen Keller for verbal and/or character abuse made by you and persons to be named later during (and inclusive of) grades 4 through 10.

This letter is to inform you of the following:

Miss Keller never once “answered the iron.”

Miss Keller never used American Sign Language to express sexual pleasure.

Miss Keller’s dog was not blind, too.

The legal representatives of the estate will be contacting your employer to inform same of the inappropriate comments you made during grades 4 through 10, and will be expecting your employer to immediately sever all connections with you.

Have a blessed day.

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