Magazine | September 10, 2018, Issue

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare: Special Sean Hannity Edition™

Sean Hannity on set in 2014 (Reuters photo: Mike Segar)

From Othello

 

ACT II, iii:

 

Othello: . . . Give me to know

How this foul rout began, who set it on;

And he that is approved in this offence,

Though he had twinn’d with me, both at a birth,

Shall lose me . . .

’Tis monstrous. Iago, who began’t?

 

Hannity: Can I just interject here? First, let me say that everything you’re doing right now makes all kinds of sense. Yes, the Venetian elites are, like, going nuts, but you know what? They didn’t elect you! Anyway, sorry to interrupt.

 

Iago: (ignoring him)

Touch me not so near:

I had rather have this tongue cut from my mouth

Than it should do offence to Michael Cassio;

Yet, I persuade myself, to speak the truth

Shall nothing wrong him . . .

Though Cassio did some little wrong to him,

As men in rage strike those that wish them best,

Yet surely Cassio, I believe, received

From him that fled some strange indignity,

Which patience could not pass.

 

Othello: I know, Iago,

Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter,

Making it light to Cassio. Cassio, I love thee

But never more be officer of mine.

 

Cassio exits.

 

Hannity: Great decision. Seriously. Goosebump time, I’m telling you.

 

Others fall silent.

 

ACT V, ii:

 

Desdemona: But while I say one prayer!

 

Othello: It is too late.

 

He stifles her.

 

Emilia: My lord, my lord! what, ho! my lord, my lord!

 

Othello: What noise is this? Not dead? not yet quite dead?

I that am cruel am yet merciful;

I would not have thee linger in thy pain: So, so.

 

Hannity: Don’t blame yourself. This is all going to be forgotten in a coupla news cycles. Just keep making terrific judgment calls.

 

From Macbeth

 

ACT I, vii:

 

Macbeth: If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well

It were done quickly: if the assassination

Could trammel up the consequence, and catch

With his surcease success; that but this blow

Might be the be-all and the end-all here,

But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,

We’d jump the life to come.

 

Hannity: Yes. Totally. One hundred percent. I love watching your mind work.

As I’ve said, you’re Thane. That gives you certain rights and privileges. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

 

Enter LADY MACBETH.

 

Hannity: But I can see I’m in the middle here, so I’ll just show myself out.

 

ACT V, viii:

 

Macbeth: I will not yield,

To kiss the ground before young Malcolm’s feet,

And to be baited with the rabble’s curse . . .

 

Hannity: And why should you? Look, you’re making tough decisions here. And where was all of this when Duncan was the big Thane? I’ll tell you where: nowhere.

 

Exeunt, fighting. Alarums. Retreat. Flourish. Enter, with drum and colours, MALCOLM, SIWARD, ROSS, the other Thanes, and Soldiers.

 

Hannity: I’ll just . . . hey, careful with that!

From King Lear

 

ACT I, i:

 

King Lear: Meantime we shall express our darker purpose.

Give me the map there. Know that we have divided

In three our kingdom: and ’tis our fast intent

To shake all cares and business from our age;

Conferring them on younger strengths, while we

Unburthen’d crawl toward death. 

 

Hannity: Genius. I’m speechless. Brilliant plan. And if you’ll permit me, sir, to say: flawless logic. Literally nothing can go wrong here.

Oh, sorry, Keep going, sorry, I interrupted.

 

King Lear:(ignoring him)

. . . Tell me, my daughters,

Since now we will divest us both of rule,

Interest of territory, cares of state,

Which of you shall we say doth love us most?

That we our largest bounty may extend

Where nature doth with merit challenge.

 

Hannity: I do. I love you the most. I know I’m not in this, and I’m not a daughter, but for the record? It’s me.

 

ACT II, iv:

 

King Lear: . . . No, you unnatural hags,

I will have such revenges on you both,

That all the world shall — I will do such things,

What they are, yet I know not: but they shall be

The terrors of the earth. You think I’ll weep.

No, I’ll not weep: I have full cause of weeping; but this heart

Shall break into a hundred thousand flaws,

Or ere I’ll weep. O fool, I shall go mad!

 

Hannity: Don’t beat yourself up. You’re the man in the arena and you’re showing awesome leadership. The people didn’t elect you to listen to the deep-state bureaucrats. Every­thing is amazing!

 

Exeunt KING LEAR, GLOUCESTER, KENT, and FOOL.

Storm and tempest.

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