Magazine October 29, 2018, Issue

A Sinner at Dinner


My “blood work” is in, Dr. Doogie informs me, and the results are not encouraging. Apparently my blood isn’t working too well. A sample of the red stuff generated a lab result indicating 45 percent hemoglobin, 55 percent cheeseburger. My cholesterol level has apparently passed from “elevated” to “high” to “Danger, Will Robinson.” My cholesterol is the strong man at the circus who rings the bell on the strength meter. My cholesterol is mighty.

“Doogie” is not my doctor’s real name, of course. It’s really “Scooter,” or maybe “Buster.” Doogie is 17 years old, and this detail irks me. I was

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