Magazine | March 25, 2019, Issue

From the Twitter Feed of North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, @youthcaptain

(KCNA/Reuters )

Hey, @realdonaldtrump, looking forward to our meeting again, but you may not recognize me, I’ve been on a terrific weight-loss plan called @noom. #paidtweet #sponsored #ad

They say that your dictator name is the word “Evil” and then your first name and then the last thing you ate, so my dictator name is “Evil Jong-un Hot Pocket.” #dictatorname

Hey @AOC loving the clapbacks you’re giving out and loving your sweet sass in general and intrigued by your enthusiasm for socialism, wondering if you’re single and like Korean food? DMs are open so please PLEASE DM me ASAP. #betterthanjdate #betterthanokcupid

Just lost 15 pounds using @noom weight-loss app, haven’t felt this great in years. Celebrated by executing a cousin while wearing the jumpsuit I wore *12* years ago when I executed his father! Looked great on me! #sponsoredpost #ad #stillhavetolose30more

@AOC still haven’t heard back and starting to wonder if you’re actually a socialist at all. U mad at me?

Packing for Hanoi meeting is a pain! Bringing a zillion outfits on the special train, and Uncle Joong says to me, why are you bringing so many black jumpsuits? And I realized he was right! And we laughed about it, and then later I had him poisoned. #lol

Okay, just heard via @thefederalist that @AOC has a boyfriend because apparently he’s on her staff payroll or something which raises ethical issues that I hope are being investigated, tho’ willing to overlook if she’ll come chill for a few days in Pyongyang.

To clarify previous tweet, Uncle Joong is alive, poison I administered was nonlethal but painful, what I call a “merciful dose.” #teachingmoment #gratitude #blessed

Nothing like coming to humid and sticky Hanoi to remind you that you’re still fat. #stickingtothechair #chafing

Not trying to be bitchy or throw shade or anything, but what I like about standing next to @realdonaldtrump is, I look thin and my hair looks good! #gottalaugh

Have read and re-read and re-re-read the stories in the papers about @senatorklobuchar being tough on her staff and I have to say, I really don’t get what all the fuss is about. She seems like a normal boss. If anything, she seems way too soft. Zero executions, and not one staffer had to watch a close relative being eaten by another close relative. Stop letting your team deliver shoddy work! #millennials #entitled #dontforgetthefork

Okay, talks with @realdonaldtrump not going well. I have some thoughts on this. Tweetstorm! 1/x

As much as I like @realdonaldtrump, and despite the undeniable chemistry the two of us have, did not appreciate being kept waiting while he watched highlights of the Michael Cohen hearings. Either North Korean nukes are important or they aren’t. 2/x

If they are important, happy to talk about how to reduce the overall stockpile and add on discussions of curtailing research and testing, but would like some assurances first re economic aid and serious consideration given to our proposal that I host a Trump-branded . . . 3/x

. . . international beauty pageant. 4/x

Have yet to hear back from you, @AOC, about the DMs I sent with the photos, all of which show my amazing weight loss especially in the problem areas. Still a lot left to go, but was hoping for at least an acknowledgment or a sense that you’ve seen the goods and are interested. Let’s talk!

re @senatorklobuchar: Would I have eaten that salad with a comb? 1) My combs already look like forks, due to particularly tight perm, so no prob there. 2) What is a salad?

Very sorry to have to return to North Korea without an agreement with @realdonaldtrump, especially when one was very close to being signed. Many people are saying it’s a sign of his weakness at home and his inability to succeed at his job. I’m not saying that, but they have a point. #sad #ireadyourbook

Watching @rachelmaddow and pretty sure I’ll be meeting with a new @potus come 2021, liking the looks of @kamalaharris and of course @berniesanders is an old old friend, so hard to know who to root for.

Discovered Uncle Joong tinkering with my bathroom scale, making it appear as if I was losing weight when in fact I’ve gained a few pounds. Additionally, discovered that he’s been secretly letting out my jumpsuits, making them seem roomier. Thought for a second about poisoning him again for reals, but instead have decided to award him the Golden Cross of Merit for Protecting the Motherland and promote him to Vice Chairman of the People’s Security Force because, despite it all, he gets me.

Wait. They say that your dictator name is the word “Evil” and then the last thing you ate. (You don’t need to use your first name, apparently.) So my dictator name is “Evil Cinnabon.” #dictatorname

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