Magazine | April 8, 2019, Issue

College Bribery at Home

(Jonathan Drake/REUTERS)

RYAN: Mom, just read about the kids whose parents paid money to get them into college and I need to ask if u and or dad did anything to help me get in2 cornell b/c people are asking y im on the lax roster when i don’t play lax and also y i spell this way if i got a 800 on the verbal part of the SAT

MOM: Ry this is not a gd time to have this convo


MOM: Ry am in an important meeting with lawyers and some investigators and wd prefer to talk when the meeting is over


BRITTANY: Mom, I wuzznt going to ask but since Ry brought it up need to know asap if you guyz paid someone back when i wuz thinking about med school b/c as i recall my MCAT scores were through the roof, like as in major, top level on all areas especially org chem and bio, and it suddenly occurred to me when i saw the news that like maybe you guyz were involved in this?? Mostly b/c now that I really think about it I don’t remember taking the MCATs. I mean personally. I remember getting the scores and then going to med school etc. and of course now being a doctor and all but like i m concerned now.

MOM: Nothing to be concerned about u r a real doctor now please can we have this convo later after ur father posts my bail





RYAN: What is going on i am freaking here mom

MOM: Don’t have good coverage in holding cell but will try so okay what u r reading or seeing on tv news isnt the whole picture ur father and i were just trying to make things a little smoother and easier for u guyz and now it’s being blown way out of proportion just know that we luv u both v v v much and that we r getting a reduced sentence for helping put ur aunt and uncle away so there’s that

BRITTANY: Okay um totes freaking here mom b/c i need to know if i m a real doctor i mean i think i know things but now i am not so sure

MOM: As i sed this isn’t a great time to have this convo b/c the holding cell is crowded — they just busted a strip club i think — but just know that u r a real doctor just one that didn’t take the MCATs and one that probably would not have gotten into Stanford if we hadn’t had those pictures done of you doing gymnastics

BRITTANY: I never did gymnastics

MOM: You were on the Stanford gymnastics team roster all 4 years and then when you applied to Harvard Med School you told them you were inspired by one of ur teammates who fell off paranormal bars and was in a wheelchair. That is the story we paid 4

MOM: *parallel

BRITTANY: That never happened!!!!! Mom i m soooooooooo mad at u and dad!!!!!

MOM: Look maybe we went 2 far but let’s be real w/each other, how did u think u got into Stanford???

BRITTANY: U told me that they looked past my bad grades and scores and lack of xtra currics and saw the person within

MOM: Srsly Britt?

RYAN: Yeah, srsly Britt?

BRITTANY: Shut up ryan y don’t u go play lacrosse???

RYAN: Mom tell britt that i am too an athlete

MOM: Honestly ryan we just didn’t know what else to do with u b/c even Brown and Cornell were long shots so the guy we used to put this all together thought that maybe lax was the right sport b/c you don’t have the build for football or the height for crew and your narrow hips seem okay for lax and cornell was the most affordable place to bribe

BRITTANY: Lololololololol

RYAN: Shut up britt

MOM: If it makes you guyz feel any better it was v v v expensive and it’s the big reason why we sold the place on Nantucket okay gotta go my lawyer is here and they need to shackle me

RYAN: Do i have to leave cornell now?

MOM: Maybe, b/c we couldn’t afford the extra insurance on this and bribe the admissions person we could only pay to bribe the coach . . . gotta wrap this up they r coming to take me 2 the judge

RYAN: They won’t let me finish my senior yr???? What about the job u guyz helped me get at GSachs??

MOM: Ur father sez the Gsachs job is prob still okay b/c Gsachs isn’t big on the whole can’t lie about stuff biz, ok? ttyl getting shackled now for the walk to court

BRITTANY: And what about me? Will I lose my md?

MOM: No b/c ur a dermatologist and our understanding wuz that that’s not like a real real doctor which is y we could swing it financially

BRITTANY: That’s y i had to be a derm?? B/c u guyz were being cheap????

RYAN: U guyz are sooooooooooooo selfish

MOM: Luv u luv u luv u

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