Magazine | April 22, 2019, Issue

“The Kellyanne Conway Show”

(Lucy Nicholson/Reuters)

Episode 431: “Mr. Kellyanne”


President Trump is on the sofa, watching three televisions, all of which are tuned to Fox & Friends. He’s in his usual morning wardrobe: a short terrycloth robe and a towel wrapped like a turban over his head. He watches for a moment, laughs, then stops, cocks his head to one side, and with a lightbulb-over-the-head expression picks up his phone.

President Trump (speaking as he taps): Crazy, Joe, Biden, likes, to, smell, hair, Angry, Amy, Klobuchar, eats, with, a, comb, Bar, Hopping, Beto. . . .

A pause. He thinks. Then:

President Trump (speaking as he taps): Delete, delete, delete, delete. Crazy, Bernie, Sanders, wrote, dirty, books, and, I, am, the, one, they, are, calling, unstable? Sad, how, weird, the, Dems, are, becoming, once, a, great, party, capital, N, capital, O, all, caps, longer. Exclamation. Exclamation. Send.

He sits back, exhausted. Kellyanne enters.

Kellyanne: Sir?

President Trump: Hey there! Just enjoying some executive time. Did you see my latest? Did a riff on the Biden-and-the-girl thing, but did a drive-by on that Amy what’s-her-name? What’s that awful thing that Ivanka makes her kids drink?

Kellyanne: Kombucha?

President Trump: Yeah. Her.

Kellyanne: Senator Klobuchar?

President Trump: Whatever. That’s why there’s spell check. What can I do for you?

Kellyanne: Sir, we sent up some briefing papers —

President Trump: Yeah, I got ’em. Signed ’em and everything. They’re right on top of the TVs. Let me just reach up there and —

Kellyanne: Wait! Wait, sir! Are you wearing the, um —

President Trump: The shortie robe? Yes, I am, Kellyanne. I like the feeling of freedom it gives me. It’s relaxing. This is a very stressful job, and people are being very unfair to me. But I like the way the fabric of the sofa feels against my —

Kellyanne: I understand, sir.

President Trump: Just the right kind of scratchy, if you know what I mean.

A beat.

President Trump (cont’d): Do you, Kellyanne? Do you know what I mean?

A beat.

Kellyanne: Yes, sir. I do. And if it makes you enjoy the, um, sensation even more, may I point out that this sofa and the fabric were chosen by Jacqueline Kennedy.

Pause. President Trump thinks about this.

President Trump: Do you think she ever sat on it in a shortie robe? Because if she did, that means that our —

Kellyanne: Sir, I am going to stop you right there.

President Trump: Fine, I’ll just —

He reaches for his phone.

Kellyanne: Sir, so help me God, if you tweet that, I will quit right here and right now and call up the special counsel and . . .

President Trump: . . . and what, K.A.? There was no collusion. Over and done with. And if you want the papers, get ’em yourself, they’re on the TV, right by Doocy’s face there.

Kellyanne retrieves the files. She’s about to go, then she stops, turns. Her face gets squinched up.

Kellyanne: Mr. President . . .

President Trump: Kellyanne, you’re doing that face thing again. Are you going to cry?

Kellyanne (crying): No.

President Trump: Hashtag “fake news,” Kellyanne. Because you’re crying now.

Kellyanne (crying): I know.

President Trump: And I can’t hug you because of the robe and I know you hated it the last time I did it.

Kellyanne (crying): I know.

President Trump (sighing): It’s about hubby, right? George? Mr. Kellyanne?

Kellyanne nods.

President Trump (cont’d): What can I do, Kellyanne? The guy just baits me, and then it’s hard to hold back. And let me tell you, your marriage is weird, okay? Weird. And I know all about weird marriages. I had four of them.

Kellyanne: Three, sir.

President Trump: Three that we talk about. Anyway. Look, what do you want me to do? Your husband is a hater, and he’s been very nasty and personal and unfair, and I totally get why you’re still with him, because sometimes it’s sexy to be with someone who makes you miserable and that can be extremely hot.

Kellyanne: Also, we have kids.

President Trump: And that’s a whole thing with some people, and I get that. But I don’t see how this is all going to work if he won’t make a gesture towards me. Will he make a gesture towards me?

Kellyanne: No, sir. I mean, yes, he will make a gesture towards you, but not the way you mean. I just wish the two of you could sit down and talk and —

President Trump: Let me stop you right there. Not gonna happen. He hates me so much, let him run for president. He couldn’t do worse than those clowns.

He points to the televisions, which are showing the current Democratic candidates.

Kellyanne: Please, sir, don’t give him any ideas.

She exits. Trump thinks, then picks up his phone.

President Trump (speaking as he taps): Nutty, George, Conway, or, Mister, Kellyanne, as, I, call, him, should, just, zip, it, or, run, against, Trump, in, the, 20, 20, race, Trump, will, win, major, major, victory, how, about, it, Mister, Kellyanne, question mark, question mark, exclamation mark, smiley face, poop emoji, send.

He sits back and continues to watch the televisions.


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