Magazine | June 24, 2019, Issue

The Trump-Family Variety Hour

Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump at the Old Post Office Building in Washington, D.C., July 23, 2014 (Gary Cameron/Reuters)

PRESS RELEASE

Season 2, Episode 7: “London Calling!”

Logline: The Trumps head to London, where Donald has a very important meeting with the queen! Meanwhile, Donald Jr., Eric, and Ivanka get involved in the Mysterious Treasure of the Mysterious Tower. The family then races to get dressed in white tie and tails and barely makes it to the royal banquet, thanks to an absent-minded Tiffany, who forgets to collect the bags at the airport. Also starring: Stephen Miller, others.

 

CLIP 1: INT. AIR FORCE ONE — DAY

The family climbs aboard, with luggage and carry-ons. Donald Jr. and Eric struggle for a window seat.

eric: Dad! Donald Junior is hogging the window seat!

donald jr.: Hey! I called it in the car!

donald trump: Just figure it out quietly, or I’ll give you both a window seat — right outta this plane!

Eric and Donald Jr. are about to argue, but think better of it. ANGLE ON: Ivanka and Tiffany.

ivanka: . . . and don’t forget to unpack my things first, because Jared and I are heading straight to a meeting. And keep the tissue in the gowns until it’s time to dress me and please don’t touch my jewelry and . . .

melania: Ivanka! Budi dobra prema svojoj sestri!

Ivanka looks at Melania blankly.

donald trump: Honey, they don’t . . . the kids don’t know what . . .

melania: (to Ivanka) Be. Uhnize. Tow. Yower. Chitster.

Ivanka looks at Melania blankly.

donald trump: Be nice to your sister! Okay? Look, kids, I have a bunch of meetings to get ready for, so can I have a little peace and quiet?

The kids all nod glumly.

donald trump: Wait. Who are we forgetting? Did we pick everybody up?

 

CUT TO: EXT. CURB. CHEVY CHASE STREET — DAY

Sarah Huckabee Sanders stands at the curb, with a small wheely suitcase, looking at her watch.

 

CLIP 2: INT. TOWER OF LONDON — NIGHT

Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric climb a spooky staircase, led by a SCARY OLD ENGLISH LADY.

scary old english lady: . . . crimeny! It’s right cold and dark in ’ere, it is! Mind your steps, you Trump lot, it’d be my ’ead if anything was to ’appen to the lot of you. Cor blimey!

donald jr.: (whispers to Eric) She talks funny!

eric: She sure does!

ivanka: Quiet, boys! Don’t be rude to her! She’s the duchess of Cornwall!

Scary Old English Lady turns around abruptly.

scary old english lady: That I am, m’lady, that I am. A real lady what from the ’igher classes, if you please. Now ’old on! ’Ere we are!

They reach an old door with locks and bolts. As Scary Old English Lady opens the locks with a set of skeleton keys:

scary old english lady: Within these ’ere doors is the Queen’s Mysterious Jewels, is what is ’ere. Naught but a few ’ave seen ’em, and so they say, as long as they rest ’ere, all will go well for Mother England, but accursed is the one what takes them from this blessed isle.

The door swings open with a creak. Inside, the room is EMPTY! Music Cue: STING!

ivanka: Someone has stolen the Queen’s Mysterious Jewels!

donald jr.: We need to find them!

eric: In time for the Royal Banquet!

 

CUT TO: EXT. CURB. CHEVY CHASE STREET — DAY

Sarah Huckabee Sanders stands at the curb, with a small wheely suitcase, looking at her watch.

 

CLIP 3: INT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — NIGHT

DONALD TRUMP is looking at himself in the mirror, trying to decide whether his white tie and tails look right.

donald trump: I feel like I’m wearing an apron.

melania: No, diz gut.

donald trump: Wait, what? My gut?

melania: No! (then slowly) Eeeet. Gude.

donald trump: It’s good? Really?

Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric run into the room carrying armloads of jewels.

eric / donald jr. / ivanka: Dad, we solved / The jewels / We found / Dad, look!

donald trump: Quiet! One at a time. Ivanka, you go first.

ivanka: Dad! We solved the mystery of the Queen’s Mysterious Jewels! The curse is lifted!

donald trump: Great! But that still leaves us with nothing to wear to the banquet! Tiffany forgot to pick up my outfit!

A FANCY ENGLISH BUTLER enters.

fancy english butler: The Queen and the Royal Household Butlery have commanded one to announce that the dining banquet is hereby royally begun.

He bows and exits.

donald trump: Okay, kids, you put those jewels back where they belong, and wait for Tiffany to come with the luggage. I can’t make the queen wait, so I guess I’ll just wear this apron. No one will notice, probably.

ivanka: Dad, I think people are going to —

melania: Ahhhh. Bah bah bah bup.

Ivanka shrugs. They all exit.

 

CUT TO: EXT. CURB. CHEVY CHASE STREET — DAY

Sarah Huckabee Sanders stands at the curb, with a small wheely suitcase, looking at her watch.

 

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