LIVE CNN BROADCAST
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
Jake Tapper: . . . and we’re live now from Washington, D.C. As you can see, there are the steps of the Capitol, ready for the swearing in of the 46th president of the United States, dignitaries filing in, there’s Chief Justice John Roberts, along with Senate majority leader Cory Booker, and we’re joined by Jim Acosta, Jim, do we have any sense of what that coffee hour was like, when the outgoing president, Donald Trump, and Mrs. Trump hosted the incoming president-elect?
Jim Acosta: No, Jake, we really don’t know. It was always going to be a tense meeting, of course — the president as late as last night continuing to tweet angry messages to some of us in the media and some of his own staffers, who he has blamed for his surprising loss in November. And the president-elect reiterating her philosophy — which I guess we can now call official United States policy — that all anger will be answered with love —
Jake Tapper: Her psychic-energy policy, is that right?
Jim Acosta: Right. And that I think was the subject of their initial meeting — I see you are showing some of that tape from this morning now — we can see the president looking angry and tense — and now here President-elect Williamson is greeting him with a kiss and —
Jake Tapper: Do we know what she whispered in his ear just then?
Jim Acosta: We do not, Jake. Sources tell me that whatever it was, President Trump didn’t understand it.
Jake Tapper: I’m getting word that the president and president-elect are walking out for the swearing in. But to get back to whatever she whispered, Twitter is abuzz right now with the speculation — and right now it’s just that, speculation, I want to stress that — that whatever the president-elect whispered was in, and I’m quoting someone close to the Williamson camp, was in an ancient Druidic language. Any more information on that?
Jim Acosta: Well, as we’ve been reporting, the president-elect claims to have been erecting a psychic-energy cleansing shield since the morning after that surprising Election Night, and while we don’t know what form this kind of cleansing energy beam might take, it’s fair to assume that Druidic forms are —
Jake Tapper: Jim, I don’t mean to interrupt but we’re seeing a lot of the new Williamson cabinet officials and others take their seats. There’s the new FDA chief, magician David Copperfield, along with Secretary of Wellness — that’s the new term?
Jim Acosta: It is.
Jake Tapper: . . . Gwyneth Paltrow, and the steel box being carried by the Marine? That contains the frozen head of Walt Disney, am I correct?
Jim Acosta: Yes, and of course the frozen head of Walt Disney is going to face some serious opposition in upcoming Senate confirmation hearings, even from the president-elect’s own party, as I believe it is the first time — I may be wrong about this — but I believe it is the first time a frozen severed head has been nominated for the position of secretary of state.
Jake Tapper: We will confirm that, of course, but I think you may be right.
Jim Acosta: And just now being led in is Jasper, the Labrador retriever selected to be the next secretary of defense — excuse me, secretary of love —
Jake Tapper: It is a very loving breed, that’s for sure. Just, you know, all smiles and acceptance.
Jim Acosta: Sources close to Senate majority leader Cory Booker tell me that Jasper is expected to sail through his confirmation hearings.
Jake Tapper: And now here come President and Mrs. Trump, the president looking, well, he doesn’t look happy, does he? In fact, he seems to be — is he melting?
Jim Acosta: Jake, I’m hearing from sources close to the Trump camp that he began to melt and liquefy moments after the president-elect whispered in his ear.
Jake Tapper: And who is that who is swearing the president-elect in? I thought it was supposed to be Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
Jim Acosta: Jake, that is in fact Justice Ginsburg.
Jake Tapper: She looks . . . my God, she looks fantastic. She looks like she’s 25.
Jim Acosta: Yes, Jake, since the morning after the election, President-elect Williamson has been directing her followers to send healing love and light to Justice Ginsburg, and as you can see it has had an effect on both her appearance and, sources tell me, her life essence as well. Justice Ginsburg is now effectively a 28-year-old woman.
Jake Tapper: And if you’ll pardon my saying so, she’s hot. She’s a hottie. I mean, I’m a happily married man, and with all due respect I never thought I’d say this about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but —