Magazine October 28, 2019, Issue

The Click of Doom

Plastic drinking straws on display in a shop in Nice, France, November 22, 2018 (Eric Gaillard/Reuters)

If you want the modern Left encapsulated in an organically fertilized, sustainably harvested nutshell, it’s the comment from an L.A. politician on how smoothie enthusiasts could cope with the new plastic-straw ban. “Just have them blend it a little thinner,” Councilman Mitch O’Farrell said.

Is this America? This is not America. I want my smoothies so thick I pass out from cerebral blood loss trying to suck it through the straw. I want my milkshakes so thick that the straw is held in place by the neutron-star density of the shake and if I manage to pull out the straw from the shake I am immediately hailed as the king of England. 

It would be wonderful if someone calculated the carbon impact of all the blenders running for an extra few minutes and discovered that it is equivalent to 40 airplane round trips to New Zealand.

What do they think happens to the straws that we throw away? Do they believe they are carefully separated, placed into the hold of a cargo airplane, and then flown out over the ocean until the pilot sees some hapless turtles, whereupon he opens the bay door and the sky darkens with straws as with arrows at Agincourt? 

Doesn’t matter. It can be taken away, so it should be taken away. Which leads us to a very important piece on the Web publication Vice. It’s about the horrible carbon impact of . . . fun. To be specific, fun on the Internet. The author writes:

“No one seems to be talking about using Instagram, Netflix or Spotify less in the same way we’re saying no to plastic straws and bottles.”

That’s because we’re not tremulous lunatics who read the weather reports like verses of Revelation.