Magazine October 28, 2019, Issue

‘The Kellyanne Conway Show’

Kellyanne Conway talks to reporters at Trump Tower, November 2016. (Reuters photo: Shannon Stapleton)

Episode 211: ‘Blow the Whistle’

Fade In: int. office — day

Kellyanne enters in a rush. She puts her things down, takes off her coat, shuts the door behind her — doesn’t notice that her desk chair is facing away. It swivels to reveal President Trump.

President Trump: Hey, hey.

Kellyanne jumps, startled.

Kellyanne: Oh my God! Don’t do that! Dammit! (BEAT) I mean, Mr. President, sorry, excuse me.

President Trump: (waves it off) No prob, K.A. But keep your voice down. I’m in the middle of a pretty amazing plan if I do say so myself, and as you know, I do say so.

Kellyanne: Mr. President, I thought we agreed that you weren’t going to have any more amazing plans — 

President Trump: Couldn’t resist this one! Here’s the thing. Whistleblower. Bad. It’s a bad thing, K.A., and who’s going to put a stop to this? Who is going to step up and protect our administration?

Kellyanne: Well, I — 

President Trump: Me! That’s who. So get this. I’ve picked a bunch of likely suspects and this morning I told each of them I was about to do something really crazy — 

Kellyanne: I don’t like where this is going.

President Trump: And whichever thing finds its way into the lamestream fake news, that’s how I’ll know who the whistleblowing traitor is, and then we can, you know, do the thing that’s in the big document that everyone is — what’s that thing?

Kellyanne: I don’t — 

President Trump: (snapping fingers) The Constitution! The thing with the part about taking traitors and, what is it again? Tossing them into a sack and throwing them off the top of the building?

Kellyanne: Sir, that’s not in the Constitution.

President Trump: I know that, K.A. It’s what you call a “for instance.” Not a detail guy.

Kellyanne: Sir, let me get this straight. Did you say you told different people in the administration different outlandish things in order to smoke out the whistleblower?

President Trump: Catching on, good. 

Kellyanne: That’s actually . . . I mean, that’s kind of . . . I mean it’s actually rather clever.

President Trump: Gotta be honest, K.A. You sound really surprised and that hurts.

Kellyanne: I’m sorry, sir. It’s just that I didn’t expect, I mean, it’s brilliant and, of course, you’re brilliant, so I don’t know why I was caught off guard, I mean, you’re a genius and this is the kind of thing — 

President Trump: Put a sock in it, Kellyanne! I’m pulling your leg. I got the idea from an old Murder, She Wrote.

Kellyanne: (relieved) Oh! Oh, wow! So that’s why I got so many calls this morning about the crazy idea of letting Turkey attack the Kurds. That was all part of the plan!

President Trump: No, that’s a real thing.

Kellyanne: What about the reports that you want to put a moat around our southern border and fill it with alligators?

President Trump: Real thing.

Kellyanne: And what about replacing the entire National Security Council with Fox and Friends?

President Trump / Kellyanne: (simultaneously) Real thing.

Kellyanne: Yeah, shoulda known.

President Trump: Well, if you want me to spoil the surprise, I wrote it all down here — 

He hands Kellyanne a notepad with black Sharpie markings on it.

President Trump: (cont’d) Just keep an eye on the news and when the folks at MSNBC go nuts over some new quote unquote thing, just check the chart here and see who I told that to, and then we can start heating up the cauldron for the public boiling — 

Kellyanne: Sir, that’s not — 

President Trump: It’s a for-instance, K.A. Try to keep up.

Kellyanne’s phone begins to buzz. She checks it.

Kellyanne: Sir, the AP is reporting that you’ve ordered the Norwegian government to hand over the little environmentalist girl, Greta Thunberg.

President Trump: Yes! Yes! Got him! Just check the list! Who did I tell that to?

Kellyanne: (reading list) I guess it’s here, under “nutty pigtail girl who was mean to me”?

President Trump: Yeah, couldn’t remember her name. So who did I tell that to?

Kellyanne: (reading list) Um . . . Donald Jr.

President Trump: What?

Kellyanne’s phone buzzes again.

Kellyanne: The New York Times just reported that you’re going to ask Vice President Pence to confess to masterminding the whole Ukraine-Biden business.

President Trump: Do I want to know who I told that to?

Kellyanne: (reading list) I don’t think so, sir.

President Trump: Was it Jared?

Kellyanne: (shaking her head) Ivanka.

(BEAT) I’m sorry, sir.

President Trump: I can’t believe it! Betrayed by my own family! This really hurts, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne’s phone buzzes again.

Kellyanne: CNN is reporting that you have told different people outlandish things in order to smoke out the whistleblower.

President Trump: What? WHAT? But the only person I told that to was you! Kellyanne! Are you the whistleblower?

Kellyanne: Sir, I’ve been right here this whole time.

President Trump: Am I the whistleblower?

Kellyanne: I don’t think so, sir.

President Trump: Well, it’s either you or me because the only other person who knows about this plan is Rudy.

Kellyanne: Rudy Giuliani?

President Trump: (shrugs) The man watches a lot of Murder, She Wrote.

Kellyanne and President Trump look at each other for a moment.

Fade Out.

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