Magazine November 11, 2019, Issue

Presidential Daily National-Security Briefing

President Donald Trump in the Oval Office, September 16, 2019 (Al Drago/Reuters)

TO: President Donald J. Trump

FROM: Ashlee Parks, Acting Special Deputy Assistant National Security Adviser and current sophomore at Liberty University

Good morning Mr. President!!!!!!!!!

Mega mega apologies for the delay getting this to you this A.M. My bad, totally. See, I didn’t think that I was supposed to be doing this (it’s not really part of my internship, TBH, I am mostly in the communication area since I’m a dance/theater major) and when the Deputy National Security Adviser got fired and THEN the Special Assistant got fired or whatever and then the Deputy Special ended up being subpeoned (SP?) supeoned (?) Sorry! No spell check on the NATSEC system, says it’s SUBPOENAED but that looks weird, right?

ANYWAY, when the DepSec got fired and then the SpecAsst had to go to the lawyers and then the support staff were all like, NOT OUR JOB, and when I came in this morning to do the coffees and put out the muffins, which is sort of not really what an intern is supposed to do but it’s what every intern ends up doing anyway, even though we’re supposed to get college credit for doing, like, actual work that’s important to our education, so when I came in to do all of that there was like NO ONE HERE and I asked the lady at the desk (who hates me, BTW) where everyone is and she served me some serious side eye and said everyone is fired or in trouble.

So I called my dad and was NOT CRYING and asked what I should so and he was all, Ashlee, this is like when you were doing the cookie drive and there weren’t enough cookies and so what did you do? And I was like, I baked more cookies even though TBH it was a lot of other people’s jobs and it was supposed to be just myself doing the organization and communication part, but people let you down, Mr. President. They say they’re going to do something and then they don’t.

Sorry! I know! I’m talking too much!!!!

Okay, so my dad was right and ASHLEE YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN WRITE THE PRESIDENT’S DAILY BRIEFING BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS FIRED!!!!!!

So here goes. Don’t get mad if I do it wrong.

MEXICO

Mexico is super sad, because it’s an AMAAAAAAZING place to go visit, like when we all went to Cancun, and the people are really cool and will totally tell you when something is going to be spicy. But, also, like, the drug cartels are totally in charge in a lot of places and that’s not good. I don’t know what to do about it. But my friend went to Mexico recently and she said it was weird sometimes.

IRAN

Iran,[a] also called Persia,[14] and officially the Islamic Republic of Iran,[b] is a country in Western Asia.[15][16] With 82 million inhabitants,[10] Iran is the world’s 18th most populous country.[17] Its territory spans 1,648,195 km2 (636,372 sq mi), making it the second largest country in the Middle East and the 17th largest in the world. Iran is bordered to the northwest by Armenia and the Republic of Azerbaijan,[c] to the north by the Caspian Sea, to the northeast by Turkmenistan, to the east by Afghanistan and Pakistan, to the south by the Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman, and to the west by Turkey and Iraq. Its central location in Eurasia and Western Asia, and its proximity to the Strait of Hormuz, give it geostrategic importance.

(okay that’s from Wikipedia. I need to brush up on Iran. What I know is, they can be totally liars to your face. Iran is all about Iran, if you know what I mean.)

TURKEY 

Turkey is all, we don’t want Kurds to have a country in our country, and also getting up in the Syria stuff, but so far there’s a ceasefire and it’s giving everyone a moment to say, okay, take a breath, breathe in and out, and then get really present for this. Right now it looks like Assad (LOL that name!! sounds like ASS HAT!!! JK) is going to stay the head of all Syria and that’s what the Turks want, but maybe they also want to get rid of all of the Kurds, who were our friends a few weeks ago, according to some internet sites. Basically, it’s a mess. But maybe after two more sleeps, it’ll seem better. (That’s what my mom says about everything.)

UKRAINE/RUSSIA

Nothing much happening there. My suggestion is, don’t get too stressed about it.

And that’s the world this morning!

Thank you SOOOOO much for this opportunity Mr. President!!!! We LOVE and SUPPORT you one hundred percent %!! And if you could please initial this briefing and send it back to me so I can get college credit for it I’d appreciate it. And don’t rush getting a new National Security staff!!!! I GOT THIS!!!!!!!

In This Issue

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Features

Books, Arts & Manners

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World

The ‘Rough Sex’ Problem

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