Magazine December 22, 2019, Issue

Netflix’s Streaming Video Series Woke Hand for the Heartland

(Mike Blake/Reuters)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Netflix Streaming Video Series
Woke Hand for the Heartland to Premiere in Time for Iowa Caucuses

On the heels of the successful Netflix series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, in which five gay style experts help people update their looks and lifestyles, comes the newest Netflix style-maker hit.

Five thought experts — “thinkfluencers” — travel throughout America’s heartland to raise the levels of cultural sensitivity and “wokeness” among the local residents. With humor — and just a touch of righteous anger — the Furious Five teach lessons about pronoun preference, cultural appropriation, gender inclusion, late-stage capitalism, unconscious bias, and climate change. 

Alexi (pronouns “they”/“their”) keeps the gender and inclusion rules. Tareek (pronouns “he”/“him”) maintains strict oversight over all racial and ethnic transgressions. La Lucé (two spirit) represents the earth goddess and enforces environmental transformations. Bjorn (“he”/“hers”) breaks down the inherent contradictions in the capitalist system. Marcy (“she”/“hers”) creates safe therapeutic spaces for family healing and reconciliation, but is currently being treated for anxiety and does not appear during the season.

CLIP #1:

Int. Olive Garden

The Miller family is sitting around the table. Bjorn is with them. The waiter brings the breadsticks.

timmy miller: Yay! Unlimited breadsticks.

bjorn: You are a fool if you think they are unlimited.

timmy miller: But that’s what it says on the menu.

bjorn: They say that to anesthetize you, to lull you into a false sense of food security.

miller: Now just a damn minute. We’ve been here like a million times and we’ve never had them not refill the breadstick basket.

bjorn: And ask yourself why that is so. Why does a corporation, which is merely a vehicle for the enrichment of owners over drones such as yourselves, deliver something for free? It is very unlikely free. The cost is your own liberty. These breadsticks enslave you. Until the streets run red with revolution.

waiter: How y’all doing? Can I get anybody anything?

 

CLIP #2:

Ext. Siedell Backyard

La Lucé stands in front of a long, snaking pipe that leads to a large wooden vat. The Siedell family looks on.

la lucé: And here is where all of the wastewater from the house goes, from the bathrooms and the laundry and the rain gutters and the toilets, see, here? Right into the vat. The vat is filled with volcanic stone and living peat, and as the water moves through the — I’m calling it a filter, but that’s a whole legal term that I’m not really supposed to use — so let’s say the water moves through the substances, and it comes out here.

siedell: And where does it go then?

la lucé: Back into the house. See? The outflow pipe goes right back inside.

tina siedell: Gross.

siedell: Is that even safe?

la lucé: “Safe” is a legal term. Like “clean.” Let’s just say that all visible particulate is removed in the process and that you will be doing your part to save the earth.

 

CLIP #3: 

Int. Kitchen

Mrs. Johnson is preparing dinner. Tareek oversees.

tareek: What is that you’re making? It better not be what I think it is.

mrs. johnson: It’s macaroni and cheese. You don’t like macaroni and cheese?

tareek: You’ve got a lot of nerve serving that to an African American.

mrs. johnson: Gosh, I’m so sorry. I guess I just thought everybody liked macaroni and cheese.

tareek: I like it. I liked it when my grandmother made it. And I liked it when my mother made it. It’s part of my African-American heritage.

mrs. johnson: From the box like this?

tareek: Do not disrespect me.

mrs. johnson: I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I just thought it was Italian, if anything.

tareek: Your ignorance is offensive to me.

mrs. johnson: Again, so sorry. I can make something else if you — 

tareek: No, I will eat this. Under protest.

 

CLIP #4: 

Int. Minivan

The Spencer family is driving to church. Alexi rides with them.

alexi: Okay, so this is a fun Sunday outing! Is this the kind of thing the family does normally?

mrs. spencer: Oh, my, yes. We go to church every Sunday.

alexi: Hmmm. Okay. I guess. Is it a church church? Like a Jesus church?

mrs. spencer: Well, I think so. I mean, we’re Methodists.

alexi: So Jesus is a thing in this church?

spencer: Mother, leave it alone.

mrs. spencer: Well, Doug, she asked a question — 

alexi: THEY.

mrs. spencer: Well, Doug, they asked a question.

spencer: I just don’t want to get into it.

mrs. spencer: Alexi, it’s a very nice church with very nice people. We sing some hymns and we think about how to be better, and then we have fellowship with each other and it’s really a very nice thing to do every week.

alexi: It sounds very cool. I didn’t mean to sound disapproving of it. I think it’s awesome that you guys have these rituals and connect to the spiritual side of life.

mrs. spencer: Thank you, Alexi. See, Doug?

alexi: You guys know Jesus was gay, right?

Woke Hand for the Heartland premieres in late January 2020.

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Most Popular

Elections

Bernie Is Not Normal

The most substantively outrageous presidential campaign in American history has some serious chance of success. Bernie Sanders is leading or near the top of most polls in the first two Democratic nominating states, Iowa and New Hampshire. He could plausibly win both, which would instantly transform the race ... Read More
Elections

Bernie Is Not Normal

The most substantively outrageous presidential campaign in American history has some serious chance of success. Bernie Sanders is leading or near the top of most polls in the first two Democratic nominating states, Iowa and New Hampshire. He could plausibly win both, which would instantly transform the race ... Read More
PC Culture

Women Lie Too

Elizabeth Warren says Bernie Sanders once told her that a woman couldn't win the presidency. Bernie Sanders says Elizabeth Warren is lying about the encounter. I have no idea whom to believe. Some notable people on Twitter have wondered if maybe, considering all that happened during the #MeToo movement, ... Read More
PC Culture

Women Lie Too

Elizabeth Warren says Bernie Sanders once told her that a woman couldn't win the presidency. Bernie Sanders says Elizabeth Warren is lying about the encounter. I have no idea whom to believe. Some notable people on Twitter have wondered if maybe, considering all that happened during the #MeToo movement, ... Read More
Media

Our Stupid Times, Etc.

I don’t think most people who read the news are too stupid to understand the news. I think they are too dishonest. I am frankly embarrassed that we’ve found it necessary to append a note to Zachary Evans’s report on anti-Semitism to emphasize that quoting a person to illuminate his sentiments does not ... Read More
Media

Our Stupid Times, Etc.

I don’t think most people who read the news are too stupid to understand the news. I think they are too dishonest. I am frankly embarrassed that we’ve found it necessary to append a note to Zachary Evans’s report on anti-Semitism to emphasize that quoting a person to illuminate his sentiments does not ... Read More