Magazine December 22, 2019, Issue

Netflix’s Streaming Video Series Woke Hand for the Heartland

(Mike Blake/Reuters)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Netflix Streaming Video Series
Woke Hand for the Heartland to Premiere in Time for Iowa Caucuses

On the heels of the successful Netflix series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, in which five gay style experts help people update their looks and lifestyles, comes the newest Netflix style-maker hit.

Five thought experts — “thinkfluencers” — travel throughout America’s heartland to raise the levels of cultural sensitivity and “wokeness” among the local residents. With humor — and just a touch of righteous anger — the Furious Five teach lessons about pronoun preference, cultural appropriation, gender inclusion, late-stage capitalism, unconscious bias, and climate change. 

Alexi (pronouns “they”/“their”) keeps the gender and inclusion rules. Tareek (pronouns “he”/“him”) maintains strict oversight over all racial and ethnic transgressions. La Lucé (two spirit) represents the earth goddess and enforces environmental transformations. Bjorn (“he”/“hers”) breaks down the inherent contradictions in the capitalist system. Marcy (“she”/“hers”) creates safe therapeutic spaces for family healing and reconciliation, but is currently being treated for anxiety and does not appear during the season.

CLIP #1:

Int. Olive Garden

The Miller family is sitting around the table. Bjorn is with them. The waiter brings the breadsticks.

timmy miller: Yay! Unlimited breadsticks.

bjorn: You are a fool if you think they are unlimited.

timmy miller: But that’s what it says on the menu.

bjorn: They say that to anesthetize you, to lull you into a false sense of food security.

miller: Now just a damn minute. We’ve been here like a million times and we’ve never had them not refill the breadstick basket.

bjorn: And ask yourself why that is so. Why does a corporation, which is merely a vehicle for the enrichment of owners over drones such as yourselves, deliver something for free? It is very unlikely free. The cost is your own liberty. These breadsticks enslave you. Until the streets run red with revolution.

waiter: How y’all doing? Can I get anybody anything?

 

CLIP #2:

Ext. Siedell Backyard

La Lucé stands in front of a long, snaking pipe that leads to a large wooden vat. The Siedell family looks on.

la lucé: And here is where all of the wastewater from the house goes, from the bathrooms and the laundry and the rain gutters and the toilets, see, here? Right into the vat. The vat is filled with volcanic stone and living peat, and as the water moves through the — I’m calling it a filter, but that’s a whole legal term that I’m not really supposed to use — so let’s say the water moves through the substances, and it comes out here.

siedell: And where does it go then?

la lucé: Back into the house. See? The outflow pipe goes right back inside.

tina siedell: Gross.

siedell: Is that even safe?

la lucé: “Safe” is a legal term. Like “clean.” Let’s just say that all visible particulate is removed in the process and that you will be doing your part to save the earth.

 

CLIP #3: 

Int. Kitchen

Mrs. Johnson is preparing dinner. Tareek oversees.

tareek: What is that you’re making? It better not be what I think it is.

mrs. johnson: It’s macaroni and cheese. You don’t like macaroni and cheese?

tareek: You’ve got a lot of nerve serving that to an African American.

mrs. johnson: Gosh, I’m so sorry. I guess I just thought everybody liked macaroni and cheese.

tareek: I like it. I liked it when my grandmother made it. And I liked it when my mother made it. It’s part of my African-American heritage.

mrs. johnson: From the box like this?

tareek: Do not disrespect me.

mrs. johnson: I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I just thought it was Italian, if anything.

tareek: Your ignorance is offensive to me.

mrs. johnson: Again, so sorry. I can make something else if you — 

tareek: No, I will eat this. Under protest.

 

CLIP #4: 

Int. Minivan

The Spencer family is driving to church. Alexi rides with them.

alexi: Okay, so this is a fun Sunday outing! Is this the kind of thing the family does normally?

mrs. spencer: Oh, my, yes. We go to church every Sunday.

alexi: Hmmm. Okay. I guess. Is it a church church? Like a Jesus church?

mrs. spencer: Well, I think so. I mean, we’re Methodists.

alexi: So Jesus is a thing in this church?

spencer: Mother, leave it alone.

mrs. spencer: Well, Doug, she asked a question — 

alexi: THEY.

mrs. spencer: Well, Doug, they asked a question.

spencer: I just don’t want to get into it.

mrs. spencer: Alexi, it’s a very nice church with very nice people. We sing some hymns and we think about how to be better, and then we have fellowship with each other and it’s really a very nice thing to do every week.

alexi: It sounds very cool. I didn’t mean to sound disapproving of it. I think it’s awesome that you guys have these rituals and connect to the spiritual side of life.

mrs. spencer: Thank you, Alexi. See, Doug?

alexi: You guys know Jesus was gay, right?

Woke Hand for the Heartland premieres in late January 2020.

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Most Popular

Who Speaks for Whom?

Who among us, in the presence of a man calling himself Charlamagne tha God, would be immune to grandiosity’s temptation? Mr. God hosts a popular radio show and had as a guest Joe Biden, the presumptive and presumptuous Democratic nominee for president in 2020. During the interview, Mr. Biden declared that ... Read More

Who Speaks for Whom?

Who among us, in the presence of a man calling himself Charlamagne tha God, would be immune to grandiosity’s temptation? Mr. God hosts a popular radio show and had as a guest Joe Biden, the presumptive and presumptuous Democratic nominee for president in 2020. During the interview, Mr. Biden declared that ... Read More
World

‘Professor Lockdown’ Modeler Resigns in Disgrace

Neil Ferguson is the British academic who created the infamous Imperial College model that warned Boris Johnson that, without an immediate lockdown, the coronavirus would cause 500,000 deaths and swamp the National Health Service. Johnson’s government promptly abandoned its Sweden-like “social ... Read More
World

‘Professor Lockdown’ Modeler Resigns in Disgrace

Neil Ferguson is the British academic who created the infamous Imperial College model that warned Boris Johnson that, without an immediate lockdown, the coronavirus would cause 500,000 deaths and swamp the National Health Service. Johnson’s government promptly abandoned its Sweden-like “social ... Read More
Immigration

The Party’s Over — No More Guest(worker)s

Last month's Presidential Proclamation temporarily suspending a tiny sliver of permanent immigration in response to Great Depression 2.0 also called for a review of the alphabet soup of foreign-worker programs. The relevant cabinet departments were instructed to offer recommendations "to stimulate the United ... Read More
Immigration

The Party’s Over — No More Guest(worker)s

Last month's Presidential Proclamation temporarily suspending a tiny sliver of permanent immigration in response to Great Depression 2.0 also called for a review of the alphabet soup of foreign-worker programs. The relevant cabinet departments were instructed to offer recommendations "to stimulate the United ... Read More
Elections

Against Jo Rae Perkins

On Tuesday, Jo Rae Perkins won the Republican nomination for U.S. Senate in Oregon. The Oregon GOP says it will back her candidacy notwithstanding her associations with the “QAnon” movement. That’s a mistake. Perkins is an unreconstructed exponent of a batty and corrosive conspiracy theory running a ... Read More
Elections

Against Jo Rae Perkins

On Tuesday, Jo Rae Perkins won the Republican nomination for U.S. Senate in Oregon. The Oregon GOP says it will back her candidacy notwithstanding her associations with the “QAnon” movement. That’s a mistake. Perkins is an unreconstructed exponent of a batty and corrosive conspiracy theory running a ... Read More
Religion

A Key Coronavirus Question: Do We Want God?

‘We want God.” Do you remember when Pope John Paul II went back to his native Poland, about eight months into his pontificate? The Communist officials couldn’t not let him in — he was too beloved. But when they did, they didn’t stand a chance. And, as Pulitzer Prize winner Peggy Noonan, author of ... Read More
Religion

A Key Coronavirus Question: Do We Want God?

‘We want God.” Do you remember when Pope John Paul II went back to his native Poland, about eight months into his pontificate? The Communist officials couldn’t not let him in — he was too beloved. But when they did, they didn’t stand a chance. And, as Pulitzer Prize winner Peggy Noonan, author of ... Read More