Magazine February 24, 2020, Issue

The Kellyanne Conway Show

White House counselor Kellyanne Conway waves in the briefing room at the White House in Washington, D.C., December 5, 2019. (Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)

Season 5, Episode 1: Brooklyn Moves to Queens

Fade in: Interior. Oval Office  — Day 

President Trump sits at his desk, drumming his fingers on the desktop. He’s clearly angry.

Kellyanne enters.

Kellyanne: Sir, okay, I know you’re not happy about this — 

President Trump: I’m not happy about this, K.C. — 

Kellyanne: And I know this makes you angry — 

President Trump: This makes me angry, K.C. — 

Kellyanne: Right. Yes. I know. But sir, you have to remember, this is just a temporary thing, just until the election returns in the remaining states are checked and certified and — 

President Trump: That stupid app. Why did I let them talk me into — 

Kellyanne: Not your fault, sir. Everyone said the app would work and we’d all get the results quickly. 

President Trump: It’s January, K.C.! I should have been inaugurated last week! I should have had huge crowds, just like last time. No, bigger than last time! 

Kellyanne (under her breath): Wouldn’t be too hard.

President Trump: What was that, K.C.?

Kellyanne: Nothing, sir. But look. This will all be over in a week and in the meantime, according to the Supreme Court, this is the only way to make sure that it’s fair and — 

Bernie Sanders enters.

Bernie Sanders: Where do I set up? Why does this place smell so musty? We need a dehumidifier. And where do I put my shoes? I work in my socks. I only eat cashews. 

Kellyanne: Uh, Mr. Sanders, we were thinking — 

Bernie Sanders:He gets the desk? What is this mishegas? The carpet is too mushy, I feel like I’m walking on moss. Where can I put my satchel? I need the pens I use. Also I have a doctor’s thing and who is taking me there? Wait. Wait. I need my own bathroom.

Kellyanne: Um, sir, there’s the executive bathroom right through — 

Donald Trump: He doesn’t get my bathroom, K.C.

Bernie Sanders: I don’t want your bathroom, don’t worry. I don’t need your bathroom, trust me. But I do need a bathroom.

Kellyanne:Yes, sir, I know. If you’ll let me just give you an initial tour of the office and — 

Bernie Sanders: I mean I need a bathroom now. You’ll learn that about me. I have a very small bladder. It’s a family thing. The lighting in this room is giving me a headache. I need it brighter. But also on dimmers because I like to switch it up. And is that some kind of scented candle going? Is that the situation?

Kellyanne: Yes, actually, I thought it might help make the mood in here a little — 

Bernie Sanders: No scents. No scents and everything needs to be laundered with Dreft or some other baby detergent. Otherwise I get itchy. It’s too hot in here. I need to plug in my laptop. It’s a Dell.

Donald Trump: A Dell? This guy.

Kellyanne: You know, this is really a chance to show America that our system of government works, even when it hits a little speed bump, you know? And the two of you, you know, you have a lot in common. Mr. Sanders, you’re a Brooklyn boy, and Mr. President, you’re Queens through and through. You know what I think? I think this is going to be kinda fun! The two boroughs! Taking care of business together until the results are in! 

Donald Trump: K.C., please tell that one over there to stop fiddling with the thermostat. I like it where I like it.

Bernie Sanders: You talking to me? Is that what? You got something to say then say it.

Donald Trump: I got nothing to say to you. Just here, behind my desk, doing my job, maybe later I’ll go into my bathroom and in the meantime the thermostat is also mine.

Bernie Sanders:For now, buddy. It’s all yours for now. But when they count up Ohio and Michigan and Wisconsin — 

Kellyanne: Sir, we set up a small area here on the sofa, so you can be here in the Oval Office during the recounts and certifications and be here for briefings and whatnot —  

Donald Trump: Everyone knows I won.

Bernie Sanders: “Everyone.” Listen to this guy. 

Donald Trump: I’m the president.

Bernie Sanders: I’m co-president.

Donald Trump: You’re not co-president.

Bernie Sanders: I’m co-president.

Donald Trump: That’s not a thing.

Bernie Sanders: It’s a thing according to the Supreme Court that you packed with psychos. 

Donald Trump: You want me to come around from this desk? You want me to open a can of whoop-ass?

Bernie Sanders: Gimme a break. The only can you’ve ever opened is the one that comes with the mac-and-cheese box.

Donald Trump: Hey. Shut up when you talk to me.

Bernie Sanders: No, you shut up.

Kellyanne: Gentlemen! Can we please just pull ourselves together here? I know this is not ideal, but it’s one week, okay? One week!

Kellyanne’s phone buzzes. She looks at it.

Kellyanne (cont’d): Two weeks, okay? Two weeks! (off their looks) Florida found a bug in their app. Doing a hand recount.

Donald Trump: Oy.

Bernie Sanders: First thing you’ve said that I agree with.

Fade out.

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MyPillow CEO Michael Lindell, a self-made former crack addict, is going to transform 75 percent of his manufacturing capacity to make 10,000 cotton face masks per day by the end of the week, ramping up production to 50,000 a day in a month. That sounds like a patriotic act to me, especially given that Lindell is ... Read More
Media

Mike Lindell, Not Yamiche Alcindor, Is the Hero

MyPillow CEO Michael Lindell, a self-made former crack addict, is going to transform 75 percent of his manufacturing capacity to make 10,000 cotton face masks per day by the end of the week, ramping up production to 50,000 a day in a month. That sounds like a patriotic act to me, especially given that Lindell is ... Read More