Magazine July 6, 2020, Issue

Communiqué 17 from NYTAZ

(Brendan McDermid/Reuters)

Greetings from the New York Times Autonomous Zone. The following are guidelines for entering into and remaining in the zone. All citizens of NYTAZ are expected to follow each of these specific requirements, as they pertain to each individual’s place in the journey to awareness. Gender-neutral pronouns and clothing are required during your time in NYTAZ. The list of unacceptable opinions is continually updated and available on the NYTAZ Dialoguing Space (formerly the Slack channel). You are responsible for keeping up to date on these crucial developments.

NEEDS

Members of the systemically inequitable organization known to the world as the New York Times Editorial Board are currently imprisoned in the former server/IT area of the eleventh floor. As many of the members of the edit board have become blind to their own privilege, it has been necessary to sequester them during this period of retraining and reeducation. Most of them, however, are prepared to renounce their former lives as avatars of the murderous ruling class, so we are preparing a display area for their statements, probably in the deli/prepared-foods section of the former Dean & DeLuca in the lobby level of the building. Looking for hosting/MC talent, crowd control, AV equipment.

Someone with video skills and social-media expertise is required for the recording, editing, and distributing of The Confessions of Bari Weiss, which is planned for early next week. In addition, the Confessions will require a musical underscore. Anyone with knowledge in this area, please make yourself known to the relevant committee.

Finally, since the creation of the NYTAZ, many staffers of what was formerly known as the New York Times have resubmitted their human-resources documentation, including updated information on their racial origins. The Planning Committee has elected to form a Truth Committee to oversee the Diversity Enforcement Committee as it conducts a person-by-person investigation under the umbrella of the Safety Committee into the racial and ethnic backgrounds of each member of the newly formed NYTAZ. Looking for interviewing skills/data-management/experience with physical intimidation.

GUIDELINES AS OF TUESDAY:

Members of the FOOD SECTION of NYTAZ will no longer be permitted to celebrate the preparing of any animal-based product for food. As described in Communiqué 13, NYTAZ is a radical vegan community that refuses to participate in the killing of any non-sustainable living thing, which includes all animals and animal products. The NYTAZ member who asked, in our last Struggle Session, if the interdiction against the killing of “any living thing” includes the human fetus in its unborn state was commended for raising a difficult question and then ejected permanently from the NYTAZ. The FOOD SECTION WORKING GROUP has allowed for one exception to this rule, and that is the planned ritual feasting on the body of former editor Dean Baquet, who is currently in hiding somewhere in the building. A reward is being offered for his capture, and a Service to the NYTAZ Medal is being offered to the winning recipe, which should incorporate indigenous/authentic spices and condiments.

The perpetuators of the racist, classist, homo- and transphobic hate-filled proto-terrorist propaganda sheets known as the “Thursday Style Section” have been reassigned to the rooftop garden facility currently being created on the roof of the building. If you were at any time part of the cabal responsible for erasing the contributions of traditionally overlooked persons in the recurring features “Cool Gadgets for the Summer House” and “Private School Summer Sessions: A Guide,” please report to the rooftop for a garden assignment. Please note that you will be required to sign a release to work on the roof, as it is unsafe.

For now, the Weddings section will remain, as will the Sunday Magazine. Staffers currently working on these sections, along with Metropolitan Diary, are to remain at their desks until Communiqué 20.

In the next Communiqué, Number 18, we will announce the date of the trial of NYTAZ v. Bret Stephens, at which point Stephens will be released from captivity in the sixth-floor break room and led to the events space formerly known as the “Carlos Slim Family Auditorium” — now known as “Safe Space Number Two” — and found guilty of crimes against [TBD], at which point it is unclear what, exactly, will happen. Safety Committee members are trying to avoid the embarrassing events of last week, when Ross Douthat was allowed to escape the building dressed as a guy from GrubHub.

More to come.

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