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Angelina Jolie Saved Me from Drowning but We’re in Massive National Debt So Calm Down

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you haven’t yet seen Laurie Penny’s absurd Gawker article from today, make sure you check it out here. Laurie, an extreme Leftist who writes about “pop culture and radical politics with a feminist twist,” and takes Occupy Wall Street extremely seriously, has inspired me to tell my own story about the time my life was saved in New York City. I hope you’re sufficiently interested to feel desperately ashamed for caring about something so trivial.

Everybody needs to calm down about Angelina Jolie saving my life and stop responding to my hysterical, attention-seeking tweets on the subject — not to mention to ignore all the other publicity I’ve squeezed out of it. It was a curious thing that happened to me. I had just bought a blue blazer and a bow tie to wear to a friend’s party, and I was carrying a copy of Milton Friedman’s Capitalism and Freedom. I was thinking about an article I’m writing about sundry political questions that demonstrate my moral superiority and I didn’t remember not to walk into the Hudson River because I’m from England. A famous actress happened to be passing and stopped me from drowning with an extended leg. I said “thank you,” and that was that, apart from six tweets on the subject and an article on Gawker. And in the Independent. And this post, of course.

Look, I am kind of an idiot. I am constantly falling down manholes, losing my limbs, and sprinting casually into traffic because I’m thinking about how I can improve the lives of others. It’s difficult being in a country where all the cars come in what is empirically the wrong direction — especially on one-way streets — which is why you hear hourly reports of adult foreigners in America’s cities being massacred by oncoming traffic. What I’m trying to say is, thank you, America, for giving me a visa and access to your manifold opportunities, and letting me write about your culture. But also, f*** you, because you’re all insane and weird and obsessed with stupid things. I mean, people do lovely, considerate things for other people all the time. I don’t believe that the fact that A-list celebrities occasionally act like human beings is in itself news. That’s why I wrote about it at length, name-dropped the celebrity, and told my almost 40,000 followers on Twitter all the details.

Americans are very strange. They hyperventilate about the most everyday happenings as if they are the most important thing in the world. (A quick example: I was saved from drowning by Angelina Jolie. Why on earth would anyone care about that?) But then Americans act completely normal when public conversations are had about taxes, and debt, and governmental over-reach. The real heroes I’ve met in America are risking everything to make sure that the United States doesn’t immediately reinstate slavery and Jim Crow, and repeal the 19th Amendment, while people who aren’t like me are distracted by the everyday doings of celebrities, as related in articles like this.

As a conservative, a writer, and a gentleman of patriarchy, I refuse to be cast in any sort of boring supporting male role, even though I have occasional trouble not wading into lethal water, and even though I did swoon the teeniest tiniest bit when I realized the leg that saved me led up to such a pretty face. I think that’s lazy storytelling, and I’m sure Angelina Jolie would agree with me. Speaking of which, perhaps there’s another article in that…?


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