Media Blog

Gutfeld on the Somali Pirates

Place blame where it’s due:

So each day, pirates hijack another ship. Today, it’s a Saudi supertanker with over $100 million worth in oil — a prize that’s pushed global oil prices up by a buck.

Now I hear they’ve also grabbed a Danish ship, an attack that’s also driven up the price of Danish.

So far, over 70 ships have been nailed this year, begging the question: Why pirating and why now?

I’ll tell you why: It works. Many ship owners prefer dealing with pirates one-on-one, forking out millions and making pirating a far safer financial risk than dating and trying to poison Star Jones.

But there’s another reason why pirating is huge: Johnny Depp.

With his gorgeous hair, his gleaming muscles and his ample mascara, he’s made pirating a glorious occupation — one filled with delightful romance and wondrous cosmetics. He’s made pirating so palatable that I’ve even bought a parrot and started dating Heather Mills.

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