Media Blog

Gutfeld on the Somali Pirates

Place blame where it’s due:

So each day, pirates hijack another ship. Today, it’s a Saudi supertanker with over $100 million worth in oil — a prize that’s pushed global oil prices up by a buck.

Now I hear they’ve also grabbed a Danish ship, an attack that’s also driven up the price of Danish.

So far, over 70 ships have been nailed this year, begging the question: Why pirating and why now?

I’ll tell you why: It works. Many ship owners prefer dealing with pirates one-on-one, forking out millions and making pirating a far safer financial risk than dating and trying to poison Star Jones.

But there’s another reason why pirating is huge: Johnny Depp.

With his gorgeous hair, his gleaming muscles and his ample mascara, he’s made pirating a glorious occupation — one filled with delightful romance and wondrous cosmetics. He’s made pirating so palatable that I’ve even bought a parrot and started dating Heather Mills.

Most Popular


Trump’s Midterm Pitch

While Trump is not personally facing reelection until 2020, he is asking supporters to imagine that his head is on the chopping block Read More

The Witches of Bushwick

In Brooklyn, there is an occult bookshop called Catland Books. “Catland” is, one imagines, an apt description of the homes of the women who congregate there. The operators of the establishment have announced that they are planning to hold a special hex session this weekend to make Supreme Court justice ... Read More