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A New Standard for the Obituary

Val Patterson may be redefining the obituary.

Patterson passed away on July 10 at the age of 59 after a battle with throat cancer. In his self-penned obituary, Patterson “came clean” about a series of minor crimes and falsehoods he never publicly confessed.

“I really am NOT a PhD,” he admitted. “What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later a PhD diploma came in the mail.

Mr. Patterson went on to confess that “I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest,” He also admitted to kicking rocks into the Old Faithful geyser at Yellowstone National Park, and to being “banned for life” from Disneyland and Sea World in San Diego following youthful high jinks.”


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