In addition to her gluteal fixation and bad spelling, Erin Aubry Kaplan doesn’t seem to know what tortuous means; she seems to intend torturous.
And, ye gods, she’s apparently contributed to a book on the subject. Feast your eyes upon this prose:
“… unlike hair or skin, the butt is stubborn, immutable — it can’t be hot-combed or straightened or bleached into submission. It does not assimilate; it never took a slave name.”
Never took a slave name? I suppose that would explain why one never meets a buttock calling itself Jefferson.