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TO: [email protected]


Text  


TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Drink?

Keith! Darling! I wish I could get together this week. Just totally crazy with everything.

But quickly, before I forget, no, we don’t have any plan to do more video here at AOL. And I appreciate it when you say you’d be happy to do it for only $5 million a year.

Let’s get together when things aren’t so nuts . . .

Xo
Arianna

 

 

Paramount Pictures
5555 Melrose Avenue
Hollywood, CA 90038

Dear Mr. Olbermann:
Many thanks for your recent letter and résumé. Everyone here, of course, is a big fan of your work — both at ESPN and later — and we’re all thrilled and honored that you thought of us during your current job search.

Unfortunately, at the present time we have no positions available that suit the criteria you outlined. Nothing in the “extremely powerful” category, nothing in the “I cannot bathe myself” sector, and nothing in the “$1 million per day in perpetuity” area of compensation.

The media business, as we know you’re aware, is a highly competitive and often entrepreneurial one. We only wish we could take on someone with your qualifications (and demands) but the interests of our shareholders and current Sarbanes-Oxley regulations forbid it.

All the best for what we know will be an exciting future.

Paramount Pictures

 

 

Mr. Roger Ailes
President
Fox News, New York, NY

Dear Keith:
Just got your letter. You’re kidding, right?

Best,
Roger

 

 

TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Job app

Thnx for coming n2 the McDonalds on Jefferson Turnpike, dude. We got your app and stuff and everything should be cool. Just need the drug-test info and previous employers etc. U cool working fry-o-lator?

One other thing: You know that we don’t drive you to and from work, right? Cause one of the girls heard you talking on your phone to someone and you were all like, hey this new gig I get driven around and stuff. And you know it’s minimum to start and then we bump you about two bucks after week four, right? You’re cool with that? Because she also heard you talking about some crazy numbers. Just so we’re cool.

And I asked about the uniform stuff, and I was right — it is a total rule. You can’t wear that suit you wore when you came in to fill out the app.

Also, are you like some kind of TV star? One of the old ladies who does mall walking says she saw you on the news. Awesome!

Lemme know about that stuff,

Kyle
Assistant Manager


Contents
April 30, 2012    |     Volume LXIV, No. 8

Articles
Features
Books, Arts & Manners
  • Patrick J. Deneen reviews Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics, by Ross Douthat.
  • Matthew Continetti reviews The Lost Majority: Why the Future of Government Is Up for Grabs — and Who Will Take It, by Sean Trende.
  • Allen C. Guelzo reviews Sword of the Spirit, Shield of Faith: Religion in American War and Diplomacy, by Andrew Preston.
  • Andrew Stuttaford reviews Vanished Kingdoms: The Rise and Fall of States and Nations, by Norman Davies.
  • Ross Douthat revisits Titanic.
Sections
The Long View  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  
Athwart  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  
Poetry  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  
Happy Warrior  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .