NR Digital

TO: [email protected]

by Rob Long

TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Drink?

Keith! Darling! I wish I could get together this week. Just totally crazy with everything.

But quickly, before I forget, no, we don’t have any plan to do more video here at AOL. And I appreciate it when you say you’d be happy to do it for only $5 million a year.

Let’s get together when things aren’t so nuts . . .

Xo
Arianna

 

 

Paramount Pictures
5555 Melrose Avenue
Hollywood, CA 90038

Dear Mr. Olbermann:
Many thanks for your recent letter and résumé. Everyone here, of course, is a big fan of your work — both at ESPN and later — and we’re all thrilled and honored that you thought of us during your current job search.

Unfortunately, at the present time we have no positions available that suit the criteria you outlined. Nothing in the “extremely powerful” category, nothing in the “I cannot bathe myself” sector, and nothing in the “$1 million per day in perpetuity” area of compensation.

The media business, as we know you’re aware, is a highly competitive and often entrepreneurial one. We only wish we could take on someone with your qualifications (and demands) but the interests of our shareholders and current Sarbanes-Oxley regulations forbid it.

All the best for what we know will be an exciting future.

Paramount Pictures

 

 

Mr. Roger Ailes
President
Fox News, New York, NY

Dear Keith:
Just got your letter. You’re kidding, right?

Best,
Roger

 

 

TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Job app

Thnx for coming n2 the McDonalds on Jefferson Turnpike, dude. We got your app and stuff and everything should be cool. Just need the drug-test info and previous employers etc. U cool working fry-o-lator?

One other thing: You know that we don’t drive you to and from work, right? Cause one of the girls heard you talking on your phone to someone and you were all like, hey this new gig I get driven around and stuff. And you know it’s minimum to start and then we bump you about two bucks after week four, right? You’re cool with that? Because she also heard you talking about some crazy numbers. Just so we’re cool.

And I asked about the uniform stuff, and I was right — it is a total rule. You can’t wear that suit you wore when you came in to fill out the app.

Also, are you like some kind of TV star? One of the old ladies who does mall walking says she saw you on the news. Awesome!

Lemme know about that stuff,

Kyle
Assistant Manager

TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Recent domain purchase

Congratulations! You now own the following domains:

THEOLBERMANNREPORT.TV
KEITHPOST.BIZ
OLBERMANNPOSTNOW.NET
OLBERMANN.LY

Best of luck with your new domains!

CUSTOMER SERVICE
NETWORK SOLUTIONS

 

 

Office of the Chairman
Goldman Sachs

Dear Keith:
It was great to chat this morning and to spend some time catching up! It was indeed an amazing coincidence to run into you at my gym, which, honestly, I thought was private. Who knew?

And I can’t tell you how flattering it is to know that you think of us and our operation as “family.” We certainly all are giant fans of your work.

I have to be honest, though, and say that investment banking isn’t something you just “pick up along the way.” Goldman has a long tradition of promoting from within the ranks — it’s one of the pledges we make, and keep, to our employees — so I’m sure you’ll understand why it would be awkward, to say the least, to suddenly announce that we’ve created a new position, Executive President, and that a relative — though talented — novice is filling it.

And this really isn’t a question of compensation. While your salary ask was momentarily stunning — and, again, I’m sorry for my initial reaction to you when you mentioned the figure; I must have eaten some bad shellfish the night before — even for Goldman Sachs there’s a limit.

But, as I said, there really isn’t a place for a broadcaster such as yourself in an investment bank like ours.

All the best,
Goldman Sachs

 

 

Customer Service
Monster.com

Dear OlbermannK:
Thank you for contacting Monster.com online customer service. Your business is important to us, and we are working hard to resolve the following issue(s):

NO PLACE FOR COMP CATEGORIES IN EXCESS OF $10 MILLION/YEAR
CRAPPY INTERFACE
I’M BIGGER THAN THIS WHOLE WEBSITE

A customer-service representative should be contacting you soon to offer solutions to your concerns. We appreciate your using Monster.com for your job search!

The Monster.com Team