5. The Brooklyn Hipster Collider
An enormous concrete ring will be constructed around the borough of Brooklyn (10,000 construction jobs created), and hipster residents will be thrust into a high-speed centrifuge (estimated: 250 technical and expert jobs created) and forced to collide together, to measure the impact and velocity of the resulting energy-releasing events. Will additionally reduce the number of jobless hipsters in the region. If the pilot program is successful, additional Colliders can be constructed in suitable areas, such as the San Francisco Bay Area, the Pacific Northwest, and Cambridge, Mass.
6. The Metro-Detroit Closer
A major job creator, entailing the hiring of 100,000 low-skilled workers. The project should require twelve months of labor-intensive effort on the part of the work force, as they systematically move throughout the Detroit metro area, turning out the lights and preparing the city for permanent closure. Job training will be available in such areas as turning off ovens, locking doors, making sure the sprinklers are off, disconnecting car batteries, and covering all moving parts with a grease-based preservative. Pending completion of this project, the city can be “re-opened” in the future by another major project undertaking.
7. The Southern Multi-State Deep-Fat-Fryer-Generated Power Grid
A Green Jobs initiative encompassing a multistate footprint. Utilizing smart-grid technology, the estimated 17 million deep-fat fryers in simultaneous use within the region will be networked together. As food products are immersed within the cooking fat, the energy thrown off by this action will be collected by the network and transferred to the energy hub in the region. Estimated job creation: 75,000 in its first year. Will require high-skilled engineering and energy-construction experts, as well as fry cooks.
8. The Keith Olbermann Viewer Connector
A high-speed, high-tech e-link requiring several hundred skilled technical workers, along with maintenance and cell-tower construction experts, to create an instantaneous and always-on fiber-optic connection for each viewer of the Keith Olbermann television show now appearing on Current TV. Will create 5,000 new jobs for the benefit of the 2,000 viewers of the Keith Olbermann television show. NOTE: PENDING REGULATORY APPROVAL.