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The Long View

A Look Ahead to the Twitter Stream of @SarahPalinPOTUS . . .

by Rob Long

Sad news. @nancypelosi and @harryreid and @keitholbermann still in vegetative states since election eve. Pray for their recovery. #lifeiscomplicated

Loved live-tweeting the inaugural speech! Easy to talk and tweet at the same time. Hey, @paulkrugman, why are you such a #hater? Just cuz u can’t multitask??

@SarahPalinPOTUS is now Mayor of the White House. #foursquare

First cabinet meeting! Made ’em all do a 5k fun run around the lawn. Secy of HHS @newtgingrich resting comfortably after coronary occlusion. #freshairandexerciseiswhatdcneeds

No place for the stuffed caribou in the OO. But the bearskin rug looks cool! Got some PETA flak, but worth it b/c it terrified @chuckschumer.

@toddpalin How about @toddpalinFDOTUS? First Dude OTUS? DM me!!

Good mac-and-cheese recipes? Please @reply to @whitehousechef. He’s “not an expert” apparently.

You know who looks really really old up close? EVERYONE IN DC!!!! Esp. @alangreenspan.

Thoughts on what to do with all of the Dept. of Ed. office space? Will be vacant as of COB Friday. Please RT!

Didn’t know you’re not supposed to shoot squirrels from OO window. Secret Service all upset and furious. So how am I supposed to relax?

To all @PETA types, re: last tweet. Yes, YES I was planning to eat the squirrels. Actually quite delicious if you get all the bones out.

Unclear why @barackobama isn’t following good manners and going silent for first 100 days. But what can I say but BRING IT!

@SarahPalinPOTUS just checked into the Olive Garden Tyson’s Corner #gowalla

Sad news. @nancypelosi still in vegetative state since massive stroke election eve. Didn’t agree with her on much, but she was a classy lady. Pray for her recovery.

@toddpalinFDOTUS all hacked off with me b/c I said @nicolassarkozy was kinda sexy. Ladies, back me up here! Short guys have appeal.

Second cabinet meeting! To make a comment, all Secys had to make a @nerfbasketball shot from across the room. Big winner? @mitchdaniels. What’d I say re: short guys?!

@dnc_pressoffice Latest press release is wrong. Not trying to “cut” or “slash” federal programs. Trying to eliminate them altogether. Please issue correction.

Um, barking up the wrong tree, @repweiner. Happy happy happy with @toddpalinFDOTUS. Have him DM you if you feel confident. Warning: You’ll need a bigger Twitpic.

Congrats, sincerely, to @barackobama for his new job as president of @harvard. Not a surprise. Maybe when I’m done here they’ll make me pres. of @idahostate.

Happy that @bristolpalin and @therealcharliesheen are no longer dating. Try to be supportive, but not always easy. Moms, am I right?

Unclear why everyone is surprised re: closing Dept. of Ed. and Dept. of Trans. I kept saying it and saying it and saying it thru the campaign. #mediahearswhatitwantstohear

Have girl crush on @angelamerkel

Third cabinet meeting! Have some empty chairs due to bad cardio fitness and fed. gov. cuts. Room for margarita machine? #allworkandnoplay

Sitting here listening to #dems talk about budget priorities. They’re all “raise taxes” and I’m all “check out my FB status.”

Walking down the aisle to give State of the Union speech. Who’s the African-American lady I’m supposed to say hi to? #SOTU

@elenakaganSCOTUS If you’re just going to sit there giving me dirty looks, why come at all? #SOTU

Tweeting this during the big ovation after my “$1.3 trillion cut” bit. That is all. #SOTU

Just learned I can eliminate any fed. regs I want with exec. order. There goes the rest of my afternoon! #ilovemyjob

@toddpalinFDOTUS and I are going to celebrate our anniversary on the deck of that new oil derrick off Martha’s Vineyard. Don’t get the drama.

100 days! Cut taxes, closed 2 depts., killed terrorists. What’s the deal with the “hardest job in the world”? Did everything I promised. Need more stuff! Help, Tweeps!

@barackobama Um, not to be bitchy or anything, but check out my approvals right now and check out your approvals at same time in your admin. Maybe put that in your next NYT editorial??? #cambridgeisnottheusa

OMG! OMG! Been here almost six months. Found my first GRAY HAIR! Freaking out. Freaking out.

Unexpected star of my administration? @patsajak! The guy can HANDLE the press! May move him to SecDef since SEAL Team Six is having trouble with the “group” SecDef idea. #youtrystuffyoulearnstuff

Interesting factoid: If Obamacare still law, @nancypelosi et al. would be taken off life support by order of death panel. #whoshappyiwonnow?

Re: Tweet about my gray hair. Turns out it wasn’t mine. From raccoon I strangled last week, got on head somehow. Phew! #stilllovingthisjob

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