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The Long View

Tweets from @youthcaptain

by Rob Long

Tweets from @youthcaptain, the next leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea:

Was supposed to have some Dad-and-me time today. He’s “too busy” watching stuff in Egypt and Jordan etc. Sigh. Just want him to hug me and tell me I matter. #fathersandsonsarecomplicated

Greatest thing about Pyongyang traffic? Can really open up the 540i. Worst thing? No other traffic to swerve through.

@gamalmubarak Read that Egyptian gov pulled plug on Web. But you’re still tweeting. Awesome! #iloveverizon

Talked to Dad re: stuff happening in Cairo. Can’t happen here, right? Dad laughs nervously. #stufftoworryabout

To my friends in Cairo: Think about the negativity you’re spreading. More flies with honey, is all I’m saying. #howaboutsomegratitude?

@youthcaptain just checked into Hall of the People’s Devotion to the Dear Leader. #foursquare

@gamalmubarak Totally sucks about what’s going down out your way, bro. Feel for you majorly. #hardtobethesonofagreatman

Really tense atmosphere around the TV room. Dad and generals watching four screens.

Camille may be unlikable and nuts, but would prefer her to crazy Kim or any of the gals from Atlanta. #RealHousewivesofBeverlyHills

Tunisia, Egypt, Jordan, Yemen. Not loving this. Glued to CNN. (Fox News too right-wing.)

Finally got Dad’s attention when he saw one of my tweets on Egypt scroll by on CNN. Got the famous “I’m not happy with you” look.

@youthcaptain just became Mayor of Hall of the People’s Devotion to the Dear Leader. #foursquare

At leadership conference, General Won presented contingency plan for unrest in Pyongyang. Sounded like a good plan to me. Dad disagreed. Had him shot.

DM @gamalmubarak Would love to be able to send you the $$$ you requested. Things tight here, tho. On a short leash thanks to you know who.

I’m on chatroulette! Come find me! #chatroulette

Dad says need to “get serious” and “tighten up” things around here. Hope he doesn’t mean my iPhone. Connectivity and social media are what I live for. Oh, and pancakes.

DM @gamalmubarak Paypal? Send me the deets and I’ll do what I can. AMEX bill comes to Dad’s people so hard to hide.

Say what you like about Fox News. The chicks are a lot hotter than on al-Jazeera. #notbeingsexistjustbeinghonest

Sat with Dad in TV room. He watched news. I played guitar and sang “Cat’s in the Cradle” for him. He didn’t get it.

Hey Tweeps! If I have to make a fast escape from Pyongyang due to unrest etc. where should I go? Anyone want to meet up at South by Southwest? #sxsw

Long meeting today with Dad and old dudes. Am being ordered to spearhead construction of Internet kill switch. Not sure they get it. Only one on Web in DPRK is me.

@sarahpalin @glennbeck @breitbart How is calling Mubarak a dictator not H8 speech? #whathappenedtocivility?

All of a sudden not allowed to watch Glee — apparently we’re all supposed to be focused on unrest a bazillion miles away. I do not get this. #forestforthetrees

@foxnews I find the terms “dictator” and “despot” to be offensive. Please use the term “post-democratic leader.”

@gamalmubarak Just saw you on al-Jazeera! How’d you lose all that weight? Lookin’ good, bro! IM me on Skype and we’ll chat if your ’net is up.

Dad freaking out at news from Mideast. Planning crackdown here. I keep telling him: Think about your personal brand. He looks at me like I’m speaking Swahili.

Anyone in Twitterverse using Path app? Want to share paths? DM me!

You know who I don’t get? Hannity. Seems like weird flow from him to Beck and O’Reilly. Also: never ever answers my DMs.

Tried to talk to Dad about possible collapse of DPRK government. Me: You’ll bring me with, right? Him: says nothing, keeps watching Greta. #justwanttobeloved

@amychua Loved loved loved the Tiger Mom book. Could sing a lot of bars of that. DM me re: sequel on Tiger Dads. Could tell you LOTS of stories.

Dad explains that riot police in Tahrir Square using rubber bullets. Both of us puzzled by why they’re not using real bullets and/or flamethrowers.

@youthcaptain just checked into Glorious Pavilion of a People’s Love of the Great Leader Coffee and Tea Emporium. #foursquare

Made a big decision. Would like to go into exile in either South Beach in Miami or in Austin. #hipstersrule

Watching video of Mubarak etc. and panel on Fox News saying he has to go. Getting nervous. Dad puts hand on my shoulder, says if that happens here he’ll go nuke first. Feel better. Nice moment.

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