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The Long View

Last Official Transcript: Larry King Live

by Rob Long

LARRY KING: My final show! The final hour! From Oakland, California! Hello!

CALLER: Hi Larry. I just want to ask your guest if he has any regrets.

LARRY KING: So, what about it? Regrets? Spent too much time interviewing celebs and not enough time interviewing important folks?

LARRY KING: No, Larry, I don’t. The world’s most fascinating people — from Vladimir Putin all the way down to Liza Minnelli — they all have something wonderful to say. Something wonderful to teach us.

LARRY KING: So what did you learn from Liza Minnelli?

LARRY KING: To always smell the guest’s coffee cup.

LARRY KING: And what did you learn from, say, Jimmy Carter?

LARRY KING: How important it is to moisturize.

LARRY KING: From Auburn, Minnesota! Hello!

CALLER: Hi, Larry. I was wondering if Larry feels like television has changed?

LARRY KING: Good question. So, Larry, what about it? Change? Out to pasture? Out of step? Your thoughts?

LARRY KING: I don’t get what’s on the other channels. Frankly. Don’t get it. You got guys yelling and foaming at the mouth. The only person I ever had on who foamed at the mouth was the super-talented national treasure Mr. Don Knotts, and that wasn’t even his fault. But the gutter language and the anger. What’s everybody so angry about? What’s Keith Olbermann yelling about? Why is Glenn Beck crying? Don’t get it.

LARRY KING: Why is Glenn Beck crying?

LARRY KING: No idea. I’ve seen his deal. From Hilversum, Holland, hello!

CALLER: Larry, you’ve interviewed world leaders and politicians and I’ve watched you for years and years, and I still don’t know what your politics are! So, are you a Republican or a Democrat?

LARRY KING: Time to come clean! Larry King! Tell us! Red state or blue state!

LARRY KING: Honestly, Larry, I haven’t voted in an election since 1916. Got busy with other things, and the marriages and the interviews and let me tell you, my schedule is a bear.

LARRY KING: That’s the secret! People come on your show and you –

LARRY KING: I see them fresh, Larry. No preconceptions. I see the person, not the baggage!

LARRY KING: The person! Not the baggage! Tomorrow night! The whole hour with . . . with . . . The whole hour with . . .

LARRY KING: With me, Larry. It’s always going to be with me, from now on.

LARRY KING: Crazy! Larry King! Slowly going crazy! Interviewing himself! Thoughts?

LARRY KING: People have been predicting this, Larry. Some people say it happened a few years ago, when I had a reunion of the cast of The Facts of Life and some of the Columbine parents on the same show, and I asked the wonderful actress Charlotte Rae if her character from the show, Mrs. Garrett, would have thrown herself in the path of an oncoming bullet or if she –

LARRY KING: From Muncie, Indiana! Hello!

LARRY KING: I’m supposed to say that.

LARRY KING: Sorry. Not used to sitting in this chair.

LARRY KING: Understood.

CALLER: Hi Larry. Hi Larry. I was wondering if you guys are having some kind of psychotic break? I mean, Larry, you’re interviewing yourself. Is there something wrong? You know that the show is over, right? You know that you’re sitting alone, at a booth in Nate ’n’ Al’s deli in Beverly Hills, right?

LARRY KING: Good question. Psychotic break? Slow mental breakdown? Respond.

LARRY KING: You know, when we talk about cracking up we really have to talk about Ross Perot.

LARRY KING: Ross Perot! Citizen activist! We need him right now!

LARRY KING: Nancy Reagan told me once that she and Ross Perot were Facebook friends!

LARRY KING: François Mitterand and Leslie Uggams! Secret lovers!

LARRY KING: Tomorrow night! Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and the reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon!

LARRY KING: And the cast of Glee!

LARRY KING: From right here in Beverly Hills! Two feet away! Hello!

CALLER: Mr. King? Are you going to order? You’ve been sitting here motionless for almost an hour.

LARRY KING: The whole hour! With Larry King!

CALLER: It’s just that we need the table, if you’re not going to order.

LARRY KING: Tomorrow night! Early-bird special! Pajamas by seven! Bed by eight!

CALLER: Should I just bring you the Jackie Mason?

LARRY KING: Jackie Mason! Talented statesman!

LARRY KING: The whole hour!

CALLER: Mr. King? Please blink twice if you understand me.

CALLER: Mr. King?

CALLER: Mr. King?

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