NR Digital

The Long View

From the Twitter feed of @youthcaptain . . . the next leader of North Korea

by Rob Long

@youthcaptain just checked into Smash the West Victorious Military Installation #foursquare

Had no idea what those buttons did when I put down my Big Gulp on them. V sorry re: Yeonpyeong Island and all. #mybad #internationalincident

Please RT! Trying to get to someone at Bravo TV to pitch Real Hswves of Pyongyang! No reply yet. Please RT!

@kimjongil It would be nice if you acknowledged some of the good things that I do. It’s always “Hey, fatso.” Words hurt.

Just discovered that under NorK law, I can marry @meganfox “in absentia.” Which I just did! Congrats to the happy couple! @meganfox, when can you get here? Eager to meet you.

Don’t you hate when you do something by accident and everyone says it was for “attention”? I’m next ldr of NorK. Don’t need attention.

So thrilled! Just voted “Sexiest Man Alive” by Democratic People’s Republic of Korea Agricultural Progress Journal. Thanks to all who voted!

Hey! @ev! Who do I need to blow up to get a verified Twitter account? #justkidding #lighteningthemood

I could be on Glee. I’m a very good dancer.

Have finally convinced @kimjongil that we need to see family counselor. Fingers crossed, Tweeps, for a father-son breakthrough!

@alyssamilano Please follow me! I want to DM you!

Not liking what I’m hearing on @cnn from @hillaryclinton about #YeonpyeongIsland. Why all the hating? It was an HONEST mistake.

If a dad has been yelling at a son FOREVER it makes it harder to care when he actually has a point. I can say sorry x million and still wouldn’t matter.

@alyssamilano Have written a screenplay with a great part for you. Called Bride of Jong Un and you’re perfect for lead. Have agent @reply me.

People think if you’re rich and powerful and handsome that you don’t have feelings or moments of being down. Here to say: not true. #regularguyregularproblems

Watching Food TV all day on satellite. Would be cool to have a show Cookin’ Kim Chee with Kim. Thoughts, Tweeps?

Another yell–at–Jong Un session. When I don’t cry, they think I’m not listening. When I do cry, they call me Mary. Can’t win. #mybad

Tired of having to prove to Xbox Live players that I am who I am. Does @aplusk have this trouble?

I’m on Chatroulette! Come find me! In dragon mask. And nothing else. Girls ONLY please!!! Not into kinky stuff. No judgments, just not for me.

Long train ride with Dad and some old dudes. Turns out my little incident may end up with us getting some Chinese cash. #waitingforathankyou

@georgesoros Love what you’re doing. Are you on MSN or Skype? Would like to talk further! #collaborationisthekey

@youthcaptain just checked into Glorious Harvest Assembly Hall. #foursquare

Follow Friday: check out @seanpenn, @huffingtonpost, @keitholbermann. Love those guys. Also: @juliastiles.

Finally! Day has arrived! First session with kidnapped family counselor from South K in a few hours. Very excited to share my feelings in a safe space with @kimjongil.

Thinking about starting Miss Nork pageant. Rereading @donaldtrump’s book re: Miss USA business. Interesting. #startuppyongyang

Another thought re: Miss Nork pageant: Winner gets to marry me? Hard to explain to @meganfox. #awkward!

Really nervous about counseling session. Have been journaling a lot of thoughts to prepare for session. Will TRY not to cry. @kimjongil always hates that.

Wondering if Camille knows how terrible she’s coming off? Editing or is she really that crazy? #realhousewivesofbeverlyhills

I cannot believe this! Dad is making a speech during OUR counseling time! Hello? This is supposed to be TWO WAY communication. #hardtobesonofagreatman

Tweeting right now during family therapy. Dad giving me dirty look cuz I’m always on the iPhone. Okay then. SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT and I’ll listen. #notgoingwell.

Anyone know anything about manscaping? @reply me. #cleaningupfortheladies

Still major drama regarding #YeonpyeongIsland. Rehashing it with therapist. Maybe I DID want attention.

OMG! OMG! Dad says he understands me. We Kims crave attention. What I did reminds him of things he’s done. I’m crying. He’s crying. #fathersandsonsarecomplicated

So wiped after family counseling session just decided to chill on Xbox and maybe do a sauna steam combo.

@youthcaptain just checked into Death to Western Forces of Reactionary Oppression Coffee ’n’ Tea #foursquare

Kimchee headache! Ate it too fast!

Sad news. @kimjongil had family counselor shot an hour ago. Sad, of course, but happy to have made real progress in relationship with dad. #babysteps

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