NR Digital

The Long View

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

by Rob Long

Hey! So this is Twitter? Prtty cool. Wondering if @aplusk or @mrskutcher will follow me. Hello?

Heading to big mttng of Com. Party of NoKo. Will prbly become new leader. So why am I already like, NBFD?

First order of bidness: remove porn filter from nation’s internet.

@youthcaptain is now the Mayor of North Korea #foursquare

Wondering if they’ll ever let me host SNL? #lettheyouthcaptainhost

Hard to understand what Dad wants. Have tried to be all OMG! OMG! about being new leader of NK, but seriously, big surprise?

Spent day looking at self on youtube. Have come to realization that black is NOT slimming. #neednewlook

@organizingforamerica Love the website. Jealous of the loyalty of your followers. Wish we had the same kind of press here in NoKo.

Can’t decide if Youth Captain is a cool nickname or if it makes me sound gay. What do you say, Tweeps?

How many rooms does this place have, anyway? Every time I think I’m getting to the video game room, I end up in another party assembly room.

Played golf with Dad today. Mentioned to him that in rules of golf, each stroke is counted individually. Got silent treatment rest of round.

Pls RT! Pls RT! Need to get to 10mill followers by Tuesday. Made bet with @dearleader.

Day of parades. Lots of synchronized dancing. Marching. Meh.

Only way to get through big party conference? Imagine all the chicks naked.

So tired of dad’s criticism. Am trying to look menacing, but my features are too round. Why not love me for me?

Psyched for Glee season opener. Wish I didn’t have to watch it in underground bunker.

Do not think Dad knows exactly what “who’s your daddy?” means or when it’s appropriate.

Let this be a lesson: heavy kimchi lunch plus sitting still during my dad’s speeches does not equal awesomeness.

I check in at PRESIDENTIAL PALACE #gowalla

To all the girls who wouldn’t go out with me when I was in school in Switzerland: who’s sorry now? #larosey

Apparently, I look fat in all of the official photographs. Thanks, Dad, for pointing that out. #astrokedoesn’tgiveyoutherighttobeunsupportive

When u know u can have someone executed for looking at u funny, hard to resist. Not asking for sympathy, just saying.

Wondering why @barackobama is following me for, if he’s not going to answer any of my direct messages.

Memo to synchronized games choreographer: put hotter chicks closer to dais next time. Thought we had a food shrtge in NoKo? Not evident from some dancers.

Long chat with dad re: expectations and demonstrating affection. His dad very withholding. Understanding him better. Good talk.

Have asked generals several times to see cool Death Star plans Dad talks about. Get awkward silence and strange vibe every time. What’s up with that?

Bear in mind: Cheetos plus black jumpsuit equals black jumpsuit covered with orange dust.

Hey, @leodicaprio! Wld luv to get 2gether 2 talk about filmmaking and the environment and whatevs. And to commiserate re: fame issue. Try being the only celebrity!

Do not understand why NeNe and Kim are suddenly friends again. Everyone forgot Kim’s betrayal re: Don’t Be Tardy for the Party? #realhousewivesofatlanta

Saw a red button on desk. Pushed it. Then everyone ran in and had total CRAZY SCREAMING FIT. Then don’t put the button on my desk with a light in it!

Woke up today and thought, so is this all there is? Eat, listen to speeches, give speeches, eat, listen to more speeches, give more speeches, eat, sleep, repeat? Makes me want to declare war on China.

Apparently, official photographs can’t have Bluetooth device visible. Once again it’s Dump on Youth Captain Day. Not liking this job so much.

Getting dirty looks from generals every time I open up my iPad. I promise, it’s just solitaire! Not the WSJ app.

Another day of boring meetings and speeches. Was promised more stuff to fiddle with on desk. Today, same cookies as yesterday. #thiscountryneedsbettercookies

Hard to form a rock band with 60-year-old army general on drums.

Just learned that they won’t let me go to the Oscars this year, even if I’m nominated. This country sucks.

Another long talk with Dad re: my attitude as it relates to possible coup. I think he’s overreacting. On the other hand, noticed toaster suspiciously close to bathtub this AM.

Tried to get through another long day of speeches without going nuts. Went down the line, imagined all girls naked. Then got to Mom. YIKES.

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