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The Long View

“How We Can Help Improve Your Image”

by Rob Long

Notes to a PowerPoint presentation to:

The Islamic Faith
By ImageSpinners, LLC

Slide 1: Photo of the Planet Earth from space morphing into ImageSpinners logo.

“Who We Are”

ImageSpinners, LLC, is a New York–based public-relations firm focusing on crisis management, global repositioning, and image enhancement. With a multinational presence and experience in multiple forms of crisis image overhaul, ImageSpinners is the place to go when you want the world to see you differently.

Slide 2: Rapidly morphing photographs of BP logo, Robert Mugabe, Mel Gibson, the Church of Scientology, and the rest of the client roster.

“Why Us?”

ImageSpinners represents some of the most controversial and unpopular people, things, and institutions in our world today. We’re ready to help you reach the popularity you know you’ve always deserved.

Slide 3: Image of an angry crowd burning an American flag in an Arab-looking street.

“Let’s Face It: You Need Us!”

Look, none of us is perfect. We all “mess up” sometimes. And that’s where we come in. At ImageSpinners, we’re not about just buying full-page newspaper ads. We’re about shaping an entire dialogue. We’re about letting people know that just because people look angry, and just because they’re trying to kill you, there’s still common ground to be discovered.

Slide 4: Image of American crowd protesting the Ground Zero mosque.

“Now What?”

Sharia law is going to be tough to impose on Manhattan, let alone downtown Manhattan! But to be serious, for a moment, let’s be frank: Whatever communications strategy you were following isn’t working. The Islamic faith is more unpopular than ever. You should have called us years ago.

Slide 5: Image of Osama bin Laden morphing into a clean-shaven man wearing a sharp-looking suit, followed by an image of Lady Gaga morphing into a burka.

“Think Outside the Mosque”

Our four-point plan will, if implemented, move the needle in a measurable way. We’re about results. If after the implementation of our plan you’re dissatisfied with ImageSpinners, you don’t pay a thing.

It’s as simple as that.

Slide 6: A mosque morphing into a mosque with a Starbucks and a J. Crew on the ground floor.

“Go Retail!”

Americans love to shop! We’re a consumer culture, and it shows. Just ask the Chinese.

Mosques are spooky places to Americans, filled with strange calligraphy and ominous chanting.

Put the two together, though, and you’ve got an American-friendly way to get people in the door with their credit cards out. A moderate rollout of this retail strategy should shave ten or more points off the negative associations Americans have with Islamic places of worship, depending on the retail mix.

Slide 7: A group of typical American teenagers morphing into a group of typical Yemeni teenagers, minus the automatic weaponry. 

“It’s All About the Kids!”

Teenagers are a handful! Every American parent struggles with hot-button issues like drugs, promiscuity, rock music, and a general lack of discipline.

Islam has solved those problems. It’s been raising kids in an atmosphere of family values since 700 a.d.! What American parents need to know is that Islam has some pretty solid solutions to the problems plaguing families today.

Depending on the market slice, we can pitch the harder-edged stuff (corporal punishment and honor killings might do better in the Rocky Mountain states, chic burka styles better in urban/progressive areas) or backpedal it, as the numbers indicate.

Slide 8: A plate of hummus, tabbouleh, and olives.

“Eat Healthy!”

Muslims enjoy a low-fat, low-carb diet high in omega-3 fatty acids and natural fiber. Americans are weight conscious — the weight-loss industry is a multibillion-dollar business. Why not introduce Americans to losing weight and living healthy the Muslim way? We can show the American public that Islam isn’t all scary beards and yelling. It’s also taking the time to eat right.

Slide 9: The plane hitting the second World Trade Center tower morphing into car-bomb damage, airport-security lines, the London Underground, etc.

“Stop Blowing Things Up”

Americans hate to see innocent people die. And they have a fear of fanaticism. Why not, for the duration of this outreach campaign, stop blowing things up? After a year or so of not blowing things or people up — and not trying to, either — we predict that Islam and Islam-related issues will experience a measurable and healthy increase in popularity.

It’s simple, really.

It’s about shopping. It’s about the kids. It’s about healthy lifestyles. And it’s about not blowing things up anymore.

Slide 10: Image of the Planet Earth from outer space morphing into the ImageSpinners logo.


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