NR Digital

The Long View

From the Dream Journal of Joseph Biden

by Rob Long

TUESDAY NIGHT

Last night, I was standing on the diving board during the Olympics and I was totally aware that my little Speedo was riding up and up and up on me, and I was nervous and could hear the crowd. And then suddenly I was trying to open a jar of peanut butter in front of everyone and the crowd was jeering and cat-calling because I couldn’t do it, and I wanted to cry but I didn’t. And then, suddenly I was flying through the air and swanning down towards the water and my Speedo was flying off and I was a beautiful naked man flying, arms outstretched, towards the water and then I woke up!

Questions: What’s the significance of the peanut butter? (Check into possible peanut allergy.) Why was I embarrassed by the Speedo? I’m never embarrassed to wear those.

SUNDAY NIGHT

I walked into what looked like the Essence Music Festival into a sea of smiling and wonderful African-American faces. And I walked up to the stage and stood next to Alicia Keys, the female rapper Khia, and Harriet Tubman, and I began to tell them from my heart why they all needed to reelect me and as I wept Harriet Tubman began to massage my back and shoulders as Khia and Alicia Keys began doing a kind of highly eroticized dance. Suddenly the crowd was in chains and I leapt from the stage and began loosening the chains with the bolt cutters I suddenly had in my hands. Later, I was in a Jacuzzi with Harriet Tubman, Dionne Warwick, and the late Nell Carter, which is when I woke up.

Questions: Where did I get the bolt cutters? What do they signify? Is it possible to get into contact with Alicia Keys?

MONDAY NIGHT

Hillary Clinton and I are at a Papa Gino’s pizza in Wilmington and we can’t agree on what toppings to get. She’s being really condescending and infuriating and I want to throw the little jar of parmesan cheese at her, but for some reason I can’t raise my arm to do it. She keeps taunting me about it and belittling me because I clearly am immobilized in some way. Suddenly, I realize that my other arm is mobile, and I use it to pick up the jar of pepper flakes and I throw it at her but she’s not there anymore. It’s Barack. And I hit him in the face with the jar and he looks at me but won’t say anything, and then the Secret Service grabs me and tells me that I’m late for my inauguration as president. I can’t find anything to wear so I decide to do the swearing-in ceremony nude, but it’s cold and everyone tells me that would be a bad idea, but I just feel so naked and free, and I walk out onto the platform totally naked and the crowd roars its approval and they’re cheering and cheering and I look back into the stands and my grandfather is there shaking his head. I look back at the crowd and everyone is now laughing at me and pointing at me, which is when Morgan Fairchild comes up to me and leads me slowly away. And then I wake up.

Questions: None. Self-explanatory.

FRIDAY NIGHT

I officiate at a gay wedding. Goes well. Suddenly I realize that it’s my gay wedding, and I’m racing around the venue trying to find my wife to explain what’s happening, but I can’t find her. But the reception turns into a campaign rally, and I’m trying to get onto the stage but I realize that I’m standing thigh-deep in sand. They keep calling my name and asking for me to come onto the stage, but as hard as I try, I can’t make it. Suddenly, my mother is there and she’s holding two ferocious dogs on a leash and they’re barking and baring their teeth at me, and she’s saying, “Everyone wants a piece of you, Joe. Especially the dogs,” and the dogs get closer and closer until the actress Kathy Bates appears and takes the dogs away and my mother helps me out of the sand and walks me to kindergarten which is when I wake up.

Questions: Why Kathy Bates and not Morgan Fairchild? Does “sand” mean “wisdom,” as in I’m “trapped” by “wisdom”?

SATURDAY NIGHT

Suddenly, I’m covered in blood and holding a knife and standing over the dismembered corpse of Wolf Blitzer. Barack is there, shaking his head at me and saying, “Now you’ve done it, Joe. Now you’ve done it.” Suddenly, I see Wolf Blitzer move a bit and I’m sure he’s alive but no one will believe me. And then I’m in the electric chair and I wake up right before Morgan Fairchild throws the switch.

Questions: I’ve always liked Wolf Blitzer. Maybe no more spicy burritos before bed.

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