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The Long View

The “Grounder”

by Rob Long

Congregation Newsletter from the Ground Zero Mosque

What’s Going On at the GZM This Week?

Prayer Rugs for the Needy

We’re collecting prayer rugs for the needy. Please put all gently worn prayer rugs in the bin right next to the Stoning Wall. We’ll be distributing them next Thursday, so please make sure to put your donation in the bin before then.

Newlyweds Social Group

Just got married? Confused about what happens next? It’s hard to make a marriage work in 2010, and we’re here to help. For guys, we talk in an open and supportive environment about learning your wife’s name, understanding her limitations, and beating her with a bag full of oranges. For the gals, it’s All About Obedience. Tea and cakes are served (separately) after the sessions. It’s really a great way to meet other newlyweds and to realize that Hey! We’re not alone!

We meet every week in the Crimes of Judaism Conference Room. To sign up or for more info, just e-mail [email protected]

Youth Group Picnic & Stoning!

WHERE: Ft. Tryon Park

WHEN: This Saturday

WHAT: The youth group has been doing some amazing work this year — we’ve raised a lot of money for the new Teen Hangout Center in the basement of the main hall — and we’re celebrating with a picnic! And a stoning!

WHAT TO BRING: Frisbees, a boom box for listening to audio tapes of the great imams, hot-dog buns, a great attitude!

WHAT TO WEAR: Sweaters in case of cold weather, heavier burqas. Gals: Remember to bring the burqas with the slightly larger eyeholes for Ultimate Frisbee.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Please consider pitching in, either in the morning before the picnic to help set up tables and chairs and the barbeque, or maybe you can help gather smooth, tossable stones from the nearby river bank, or maybe there’s a special person in your life who you feel needs to be stoned to death (nominees due via e-mail by Tuesday AT THE LATEST!!!!!!). The key is to get involved!!! The Youth Group is only as strong as YOU make it!!! You get out of it what you put into it!!!! Any ?? or thoughts, see us after morning call to prayer or e-mail [email protected]

Recovery Programs at the GZM

Canceled due to eternal damnation.

Outreach Fellowship Meeting

This year, the Outreach Fellowship is making it a major goal to reach out to other local places of worship (that aren’t befouled by Jews) in the neighborhood (except the Jewish parts). We’re trying to recruit some outgoing, not-overly-angry folks from the congregation to appear at local events, town halls, etc. and remind folks that we’re just ordinary, run-of-the-mill everyday types. Neighbors and friends and regular folks. All volunteers will receive extensive media training on how to stay on message, how to speak to groups, and how to talk to an uncovered woman without throttling her and calling her a whore. Please e-mail [email protected] for more information.

Gay ’n’ Grounded

The gay Koran study group at the Ground Zero Mosque has unfortunately disbanded due to the sudden death of all of its members after they spontaneously burst into flames. We’re trying to recruit another group. If you suspect anyone of being a potential member of this group, please let us know immediately.

Blood Drive Next Week!

Next week is the kickoff to our annual Blood Drive, and we’re hoping that all members of the congregation will do their part to make this year’s Blood Drive the Best Ever!!!!!

Please collect as much Jewish blood as you can!!!!


Anyone who thinks he saw my wife speaking freely to the UPS man — signing for a package, showing the top of her right hand as she held the stylus-thingy — PLEASE let me know immediately. Am trying to get Tuesday morning off (my supervisor at work is a real pain) to exact an honor killing. Thanks! See Ramzi in the outreach office.

Have two tix to Lady Gaga concert, willing to exchange for powdered explosives. Please e-mail [email protected]

Trying to arrange a marriage for my 13-year-old daughter. She’s compliant and very quiet. Totally illiterate. A great catch. Looking for husband somewhere between 60 and 90 years old. Dowry negotiable. Interested in barter. Please e-mail me at [email protected] Your photo gets hers, although she’s entirely covered. Not into endless e-mailing. MUST BE SERIOUS.

Have an announcement or group you’d like us to know about? Just drop us a line at [email protected] and we’ll be sure to include it in the next issue of The Grounder! Remember: It’s your GZM!

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