NR Digital

The Long View

Pharmaceutical Aids for Election Season

by Rob Long

Along with Timesitrac™, Slantrusose™ can be used for symptoms of dizziness and disorientation brought upon by overexposure to the New York Times and other outlets of the liberal media. Timesitrac™ is a highly concentrated dose specifically aimed at New York Times–related symptoms (David Brooks’s columns are especially indicated) and Slantrusose™ contains a broad-spectrum prophylactic against most other kinds of left-wing distortions. PLEASE NOTE: None of these medications are 100 percent effective. Your personal-care professional MAY prescribe multiple doses from this family of medications. SPECIAL NOTE: For Paul Krugman–specific disorders, the only medication to pass clinical trials is KrugerAsse™, available in ointment or suppository.

An anger-management preparation proven highly effective in controlling violent and uncontrolled outbursts in patients who have heard President Barack Obama described as a “centrist.” Possible other triggers are words like “bipartisan” and “partisanship.” Centriflux™ has been used to treat patients who experience feelings of helplessness and bafflement when confronting the current political season. Possible side effects: drowsiness and/or loss of short-term memory.

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