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The Long View

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un @youthcaptain:

by Rob Long

Just found out that I’m going to be a father. Really puts stuff in perspective. Had a couple of people executed today and it really made me think about the circle of life.

Still waiting for a baby-shower gift from @barackobama. Was invited to the event at the Pyongyang W hotel and didn’t RSVP or anything. A gift is de rigueur. #rudeness

Hey @kimkardashian! We’re pregnant too! DM me and let’s set up some playdates! Pyongyang has some really nice parks and I’m constructing a large Gymboree.

I do not understand why everyone freaked out when I said we’re going to name our child Troy if he’s a boy or Brittney if she’s a girl. #northkoreaneedstogetwithit

Have almost perfected my own “Gangnam Style” dance moves, which are not only better than the original but semi-nude. Good thing folks here haven’t seen the South Korean one! #benefitsofahermitkingdom

You call that a deal? Roll over some more, why don’t you? #fireboehner

Told my wife that now that she’s pregnant she’s getting fat. She made a very hurtful comment back to me, about my perfectly normal body composition. I may have to have her imprisoned after the birth. #hardchoicesofleadership

Watched a missile launch with @generaljoon and @fieldmarshalyoo. Didn’t go so well. Having trouble getting the missiles to launch without exploding. Made a joke, “Good thing I don’t have that problem,” and got nada. Crickets. #nosenseofhumor

Got odd congrats call from Chinese president. Offered to help protect @troykim or @brittneykim should the need arise. Asked what he meant. He said not everyone is happy there’s a new heir. Paranoid?

Any of my Tweeps out there in the fashion biz? Looking for new jumpsuit material. Old stuff chafes. Fabric shouldn’t do this to skin, should it? twitpic.54f67j

Understand that gun control is a big issue, but don’t need to be lectured about it from a Brit. #deportpiers

Hey @katemiddleton! We’re pregnant too! We should get together! Like to think we’re kinda sorta royalty here, so have that in common. Also: Please follow me back so I can DM you. Need to ask you a big favor, re: small cash crunch I’m facing.

Wondered aloud today in a meeting if maybe we should host an International Baby Summit, and have all celebs and their babies come to Pyongyang for a meeting in re: world peace or whatever. @unclejoon took a pencil and stabbed my hand. #thinkoutsidethebox

Any of my Tweeps in the admissions office of @daltonschoolny or @phillipsexeter? Want to start application proceedings now! DM me! Can pay tuition in ginseng or counterfeit dollars.

Wondering what @radaronline would pay for exclusive photos of the birth of @troykim or @brittneykim. Anyone have an idea? Can be as graphic as necessary. Will accept payment via PayPal.

Anyone know where the nearest @babygap is to Pyongyang? Need to stock up on onesies.

Another missile launch, this one a lot more successful. Missile flew in the air for several seconds. Wondered to @generaljoon and @fieldmarshalyoo if maybe we should coordinate a general multi-target missile launch with birth of @troykim or @brittneykim. Again, zero response. #whosinchargehere

Understand that some people think @fayeresnick was out of line when she went after @brandi on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I like her moxie. #needmorechickslikethatinpyongyang

Reaching for another cookie in a meeting, and @generaljoon made comment about the baby not knowing whose breasts were bigger, mine or my wife’s. Everyone laughed. I died inside. #thelonelinessofthefatkid

Hey! @lindsaylohan! We’re going to need a nanny in about eight months and I can’t think of a better one than you! DM me so we can set it up!

How hard would it be to kidnap the “Gangnam Style” dude and have him here to teach my child how to dance? Future leaders are going to have to be able to dance and sing, is my feeling. Once he’s passed on his art, I could just have him executed. #worldhero

Hey! @kimkardashian! Waiting for you to follow me back so I can DM you! Wondering if you could share some dieting tips with the Missus. You look great! She looks bloated and puffy. #wivesarealsogirlfriends

Have reached out several times, @barackobama, to talk about gun control in your country. We have it here in North Korea and it’s been very effective in eliminating gun crimes. Added plus: enslaved population. Follow me back so I can DM you. #weshouldhelpeachother

Suddenly wondering if Troy is best choice for a boy name. Deciding now between Kanye and Bradley. Like the sound of @kanyekim though.

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