Spent an hour today studying missile-launch and -guidance technology. Or thought that’s what I was doing. Turned out it was only @angrybirds! Hilarious! #gottalaugh #humorheals
Do not really understand this whole #sequester business. Agree with @presidentbarackobama. Failure of Republican leadership.
Do I look fat in this Speedo? Twitpic.87h4.33ed #downto2500caloriesaday
Are there carbs in kimchee? Anyone? Tweeps? Help! #nothingisworking
Don’t worry, @jimmykimmel. Missiles won’t hit your tapings! Too much of a fan! Follow me back so I can DM you advance warning!
Cannot imagine a scenario in which @hillaryclinton isn’t running. Just makes political sense. Plus she’s hot. Am I right? #gottalovethemoldgals
Hey, @therealjustinbieber, think U R getting a raw deal. I know something about starting v. young in a biz. Stay frosty!
Hey! Check me out in these new skinny jeans! And check out the waist size. 28 inches! Finally they’re sizing them right. Thanks, North Korean jean industry! You rock. Twitpic.34rd.961
Spoke to @generalunclejoon about how cool it would be if I could figure out a way to ride one of the nuclear missiles into L.A. He looked at me like he always does. Like “who is this kid?” #olddognewtricks #thinkoutsidethebox
@youthcaptain just ousted @kimjongil as the Mayor of Missile Control Room, Pyongyang, Korea. #foursquare
Long, long, long meeting today about our newly forceful foreign policy. I keep telling my generals to push harder and make more noise. Have played @kanyewest “Through the Wire” a million times for them, get blank stares. Time to clean house?
Much respect to @johnmccain and @lindseygraham for standing up to the radicals and fringe elements in their party. Need to find common ground and reach across the aisle. #bipartisanship #nolabels
@paulryan Although we have our differences, would love to hear details of your workout regimen. How many trainers have you had to put to death to achieve that killer bod? #nohomo
Thinking about doing a podcast. Help, tweeps! Which topics am I best at? Art, music, stand-up comedy, fashion? All four? BLUSH!
Wondering about the gay-marriage issue. Hard time getting the whole deal. Yes, it should mean you can marry a donkey or a sister. @generalunclejoon has done both!
Previous tweet is part of my opening jokes at the Pyongyang Correspondents Dinner. Thoughts? Punch up? @sethmyers, I’m talking to you!
Looking at the missile-trajectory lines on the map in the #situationroom and wondering if they’re really accurate. Need to hit Los Angeles, not Bakersfield.
Turns out the skinny jeans I’m wearing aren’t 32’s. Turns out they’re mislabeled. Actually 52’s. So I haven’t lost any weight at all. Nork Jeans Manufacturing LLC is now headed to a work camp. #mistakeswillbepunished #sixsigma
Just finished the first annual Pyongyang Correspondents Dinner! They loved me! I killed! (two waiters who forgot the dressing on the side and an Air Force general who didn’t laugh). #showbiz #theindustry #nextcareer
Don’t worry, @ellendegeneres! Will let you know when missiles are headed to L.A. Follow me back so I can DM you. #bigbigfan #sayhitoportia #lovetodance
Just found out that the iMac I’m using isn’t a real iMac but a Chinese ripoff. Learned the hard way trying to upload @spotify playlist.
Very disappointed that it’s already Thursday and we haven’t launched a missile yet. Watched TMZ this afternoon and saw zero mention of a Hollywood in ruin. Simply do not understand why everything takes me getting PO’ed or having someone impaled slowly during a meeting. #butitdoes #dowhatittakes
By the way, the Abdomenizer thing you see on TV is a total piece of junk. #stillfat #caveatemptor
Watched @jayleno tonight and convinced he’s getting a raw deal. Hey, @jayleno, will build a stage for you at the @pyongyangmediacenter. And will launch a satellite, too, just as soon as one of our rockets is free. They’re kinda busy right now. #targetingusa #missiles #makingnoise
Pretty bummed to learn from our Science Council that we’re actually ten years away from an effective nuclear launch. Not as bummed as they were to be covered in hot plastic and turned into my new recording studio. #mistakeswillbepunished #sixsigma #qualityassurance
Congratulate me, tweeps! Found out that the missile-trajectory calculations are not, in fact, accurate. Getting them corrected now. But gives me a perfect opportunity to have @generalunclejoon strangled to death! #mistakeswillbepunished #neverletacrisisgotowaste
What’s the over-under on whether @hillaryclinton likes younger Asian dudes with athletic builds? #askingforafriend