Conspiracy theories about the Boston Marathon terrorist bombing began immediately. Of course. Just like 9/11. On that grim day, you’ll recall, we learned that several foreigners acting on orders from a shadowy Islamist mastermind had hijacked jets and flown them into tall buildings. Whereupon Rosie O’Donnell and all the other smart people said “You believe that? No, it was a conspiracy.”
As for the April 15 villainy, the usual theories bloomed on Twitter and the Web, where the banging of square pegs into holes of undetermined shapes was deafening. Jihadis! Tax cranks! But a select group believed the event was wreaked by reptilian agents from the planet Saturn who live underground. Let us see who’s more credible.
The anti-Saturnians took to YouTube the day of the bombing, pointing out the obvious clues. If you freeze the frame of a CNN video, look at it from a certain angle, and highlight certain parts with red lines, there’s the ancient symbol for Saturn. I mean Duh. The same symbol also appears on a playing card that shows a woman jogging. Case closed? Hardly. As the YouTube video explains:
“Now 88 = PURPLE using simple Gematria (A = 1,
B = 2, C = 3, Z = 26), PURPLE referring to the abyss, as Saturnsux and Trampleonsnakes3 have exposed. And don’t forget the red hair.”
Well, who can? I know what you’re saying: If humanoid lizard overlords committed this act, why would they leave clues everywhere? Perhaps because the anti-Saturnians are used to conceal the real conspiracy, which involves slugs from Neptune who live in the clouds. Perhaps they’re taunting the few brave souls who spend their days yelling into the camera on YouTube in the hope that someone will listen. Which brings us to Chris Matthews.
He does not, as far as we can tell, believe in Saturn-based reptile people who live in the bowels of the earth and control our politics. But let’s just say he wouldn’t drop dead from surprise if someone tweeted a picture of a Koch brother flicking a forked tongue. He wouldn’t be alone if he joined the anti-reptile crowd: According to a recent survey by Public Policy Polling, 12 million Americans believe occluded reptiles control our society. The survey noted that more Romney supporters believed it than Obama supporters, which will probably show up as a story proving Obama people are 2.5 times smarter than Republicans, which the Left no doubt believes.
Back to that in a moment. Besides the clues a child could solve with simple Gematria, the Lizard People used their mental power to put up a Facebook page two days before the bombing asking for sympathy for the victims. I’ve seen the page. Either careless lizards put up a website two days before their “false flag” operation or someone who joined Facebook on Saturday changed the name after the tragedy. When you see the number of people who don’t believe the obvious explanation and yell from the rooftops that a Facebook page is proof of a conspiracy, you want to reach for Occam’s razor and drag it across your wrists.