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The Long View

Transcript from the Al Jazeera political talk show The Al-Irshad Group

by Rob Long

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Al-Irshad: Issue One! Boston Bonanza Brou-Ha-Ha! In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon jihad demonstration by our brothers-in-arms the Tsarnaevs, questions have emerged about their reliance on the largesse of the Great Satan! Question: Is receiving WIC and/or other assistance, including Section 8 housing, from the American taxpayer a crime against Islam? Most Exalted Imam and syndicated columnist Qu’Turush?

Qu’Turush: No, no, no. Look. We’ve been through this and through this. What the Tsarnaev family did was apply for funds that were available to all who qualified. There’s really no scandal here. We need to stop stigmatizing folks who just need a helping hand. That’s what these social services are there for. That’s what we pay our taxes for.

Salil Faqtb: We? What is this “we,” you filthy son of a whore-mongering pig? You are like the shopkeeper who sells coffee to the Jew!

Qu’Turush: Allow me to finish! Allow me to finish, you devil! Die! Die! Die!

Salil Faqtb: The warrior who lives off of the enemy is like the handful of dates that harbor the stone!

Al-Irshad: Political consultant Salil Faqtb, let me break in here –

Qu’Turush: Please, brother. I’m trying to get a word in edgewise, here. All I’m saying is –

Al-Irshad: And what about the American wife?

Qu’Turush: She should continue to receive whatever the system allows.

Ali Ba’Nasri: I agree.

Qu’Turush: And then she should be set on fire.

Ali Ba’Nasri: I agree.

Al-Irshad: So we have agreement at last, between syndicated columnist Qu’Turush and Baath strategist Ali Ba’Nasri! Exit question: Tsarnaev sayonara! As the fervor dims from the events in Boston, we ask ourselves, where are the next youngsters coming from who are willing to engage in jihad? With the Twitter and the Facebook and the Spotify, many of our young men find themselves bespoiled and feminized. Is there hope for our young, I ask you political consultant Salil Faqtb!

Salil Faqtb: Brother, there is only doom and hellfire for our young. They travel to the West and construct incendiary devices made entirely of cooking utensils, like females. Like common brazen whores and prostitutes!

Qu’Turush: I don’t think you’re seeing the pressure-cooker bombs in context –

Salil Faqtb: Do not speak to me of context, you blaspheming hypocrite homosexual agnostic Jew-loving libertine dog.

Qu’Turush: The root causes of that pressure cooker –

Salil Faqtb: Prepare to die!

Qu’Turush: Get off me! Get off me!

Al-Irshad: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please!

Ali Ba’Nasri: Can I break in here? I think the real question isn’t where is the next generation of jihadists coming from, but why are the Americans doing such a better job teaching it than we are? My nephew is studying physics at Harvard, and let me tell you, when it comes to understanding just how evil and twisted the American system is, he’s way, way ahead of anything we’ve got over here. I mean, just the other day he was explaining to me how obvious it was that what happened in Boston was an inside job.

Al-Irshad: But it wasn’t. It was us.

Ali Ba’Nasri: Oh, right. I keep forgetting that.

Salil Faqtb: Of course you do! Your nephew is studying physics! In the West! There is no such thing as physics! Your nephew should be tied into a sack and dropped from a minaret!

Ali Ba’Nasri: Well, maybe. But that would be physics, right?

Salil Faqtb: I will taste your blood before this show is over! Die, you perverted monster with diseased genitals!

Qu’Turush: You see, this is the problem. We need to reach out to the middle. We’re only talking to the very small minority of folks who think nuclear weapons are the be-all and end-all. What about pipe bombers? What about the boys in Boston? They were making some inroads in a very blue state.

Salil Faqtb: They were JINOs! Jihadists in name only! Brothers! Am I the only one who sees it? They used a cooking utensil! They may as well have been wearing dresses!

Al-Irshad: Last question. On a scale of one to ten, one being impossible and ten being metaphysical certitude –

Salil Faqtb: Both are impossible for man. Both are the repository of the Divine. Please allow me to disembowel you immediately.

Al-Irshad: What is the likelihood that our movement is becoming rapidly decentralized? Qu’Turush?

Qu’Turush: I’d say a six. Luckily for us, American universities and local governments remain a wonderfully hospitable place to nurture jihad. But that could change.

Al-Irshad: Ali Ba’Nasri?

Ali Ba’Nasri: Ten. Have you seen what’s happening on Kickstarter? Exciting stuff for jihad, let me tell you. There’s an app for that.

Al-Irshad: Salil Faqtb?

Salil Faqtb: Please remain motionless while I pour gasoline upon you.

Al-Irshad: You’re all incorrect! The answer is three! Bye bye!

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