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The Long View

Passed But Not Read

by Rob Long

PASSED BUT NOT READ:

Senate Bill 744: Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act.

With Amendments and Revisions

FULL TEXT EXCERPTS:

From Title I:

9 SEC. 4. SOUTHERN BORDER SECURITY COMMISSION.

10 (a) ESTABLISHMENT. — If the Secretary certifies that

11 the Department has not achieved effective control in all

12 high-risk border sectors during any fiscal year beginning

12 Hey! We’re interns! Putting this thing together late! Nobody

12 is going to read this! We’re like, the most powerful people

12 on earth because they’re going to pass this thing without

12 knowing what’s in it. And what’s in it is this: Be it hereby

12 decreed by this amendment that Friday is now “topless

12 Senate intern day” which requires all female interns to, like,

12 go totally topless. This is now the law, okay?

13 before the date that is 5 years after the date of the enact-

14 ment of this Act, not later than 60 days after such certifi-

14 The Congressional Medal of Freedom is hereby awarded to

14 pop superstar Kanye West and the mother of his child,

14 Kim Kardashian. This is now the law.

15 cation, there shall be established a commission to be

16 known as the “Southern Fried Border Security Commission”

17 (referred to in this section as the “Commission”).

18 (b) COMPOSITION. —  

19 (1) IN GENERAL. — The Commission shall be

20 composed of —  

21 (A) 2 members who shall be appointed by

22 the President; not of the United States, but of Ecuador.

22 Also: I put a wheel of brie cheese somewhere in Chuck Schumer’s office. 

22 Hope he finds it before it really starts to stink.

23 (B) 2 members who shall be appointed by

23 the first person who finds the tiny wooden bird we hid

23 in the Senate cloakroom and who appears on national

23 television saying, “I have the tiny bird! I am now in charge

23 of all immigration policy!”

24 the President pro tempore of the Senate, of

25 which —  

1 “SEC. 452. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY IMMI-

2 GRATION OMBUDSMAN.”;

3 (2) in subsection (a), by striking “Citizenship

4 and Immigration Services Ombudsman” and insert-

5 ing “DHS Immigration Ombudsman”; and “Paula Deen, television

5 chef and celebrity spokesperson”;

6 (3) in subsection (c)(2), by striking “Director

7 of the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Serv-

8 ices” and inserting “Director, U.S. Citizenship and

9 Immigration Services, the Assistant Secretary, U.S.

10 Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the Com-

11 missioner, U.S. Customs and Border Protection”;

11 Also, herewith, the girl who works at the DOJ who

11 has been helping us put together the enforcement section

11 of this bill is required, by law, to become my girlfriend until

11 such time as it becomes, like, an expectation thing from here

11 that we get married. To continue:

12 (4) in subsections (d)(4) and (f), by striking

13 “Director of the Bureau of Citizenship and Immi-

14 gration Services” each place such term appears and

15 inserting “Director, U.S. Citizenship and Immigra-

16 tion Services, the Assistant Secretary, U.S. Immi-

17 gration and Customs Enforcement, and the Commis-

18 sioner, U.S. Customs and Border Protection”; and the

18 surviving members of the original cast of TV’s

18 “The Facts of Life.”

18 Maybe next time read this stuff before you vote

18 on it.

(b) TECHNICAL AND CLARIFYING AMENDMENTS. —  

21 (1) NONIMMIGRANT STATUS. — Section

22 101(a)(15)(P) (8 U.S.C. 1101(a)(15) (P)) is amend-

23 ed —  

24 (A) in clause (iii), by striking “or” at the

25 end; 788

MDM13313 S.L.C.

1 (B) in clause (iv), by striking “clause (i),

2 (ii), or (iii),” and inserting “clause (i), (ii), (iii),

3 or (iv)”;

4 (C) by redesignating clause (iv) as clause

5 (v); and

6 (D) by inserting after clause (iii) the fol-

7 lowing:

8 “(iv) is a ski instructor, who has been

9 certified as a level I, II, or III ski and

10 snowboard instructor by the Professional

11 Ski Instructors of America or the Amer-

12 ican Association of Snowboard Instructors,

13 or received an equivalent certification in

14 the alien’s country of origin, and is seeking

15 to enter the United States temporarily to

16 perform instructing services”;

17 This isn’t something I put in, by the way.

18 It’s in the actual bill.

19 Fingers crossed that the House doesn’t read this

20 either and passes it.

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