Sunday, October 13, 2013
Host Al-Irshad: Issue One! Tweet, Tweet Went the Bird of Peace! In the wake of the Revolutionary Islamic Republic’s election, President Hassan Rouhani has embarked on a charm offensive, going so far as to tweet messages to the hapless half-man president of the United States! Question: Is this the beginning of a new prestige for the Islamic Republic? I ask you, syndicated columnist Qu’Turush.
Qu’Turush: That’s a simplistic way to look at it, Al-Irshad. With respect, the actions of President Rouhani are exactly consistent with the actions of his predecessor. The difference is only in the medium. The last president spoke. This president tweets. It’s a great way to connect with the kids.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: What is this, tweets? What is this filthy word? It sounds like the noise made by a homosexual Jew when he puts on his tight pants. I don’t understand this nonsense.
Qu’Turush: That’s the problem with our side, right there. Salil Faqtb, Twitter is a light social network of 140 characters or less –
Al-Irshad: That’s almost twice the number of virgins a believer receives in heaven.
Qu’Turush: Yes, though I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Salil Faqtb: Of course it’s relevant! Your whore mother be damned!
Ba’ath Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: Can we return to the question? It’s really about messaging. This administration is on message all the time. Their communications shop is about the best in the business. What Rouhani is saying is, basically, “We’re here, we’re online, we’re tweeting, we’re cool, and we have nuclear weapons.” That’s a powerful message to the world’s youth.
Al-Irshad: Exit question: Will this president reap more or less power and prestige from his use of social media?
Ali Ba’Nasri: More. Have you seen his Instagram? Terrific use of filters! He did one of a bride burning near Isfahan that was just so cool.
Salil Faqtb: This is meaningless nonsense. You should all die. I will douse your beard with petrol and set it on fire for your stupidity and trivial concerns.
Al-Irshad: Issue Two! Satan Shutdown! As the American government enters its second week of budget paralysis, the question is: Who profits? Can the Islamic Republic reap benefits from the disarray of its sworn enemy? Ali Ba’Nasri?
Ali Ba’Nasri: That will be challenging. The key here, of course, is that a very small group of — let’s be honest — radicals in the House are holding the entire budget process hostage.
Al-Irshad: Hmmm. “Radicals holding something hostage” has a nice ring to it.
Ali Ba’Nasri: Yes, that’s the ironic part of it. Here, though, I have to say, it’s disruptive. Let’s get a clean vote, up or down.
Salil Faqtb: You are a diseased and pox-ridden man-whore. What are they supposed to do? Sit around and wait for the ladyboy president to wake up and smell the unmistakable odor of the burning flesh of a female relative who has brought dishonor to her family? Should he . . . wait, where was I?
Al-Irshad: Next question — Issue Three: Server Meltdown! At the official launch of Obamacare this week, reports were mixed at best. The computer systems weren’t working, the servers shut down, and the number of enrollees was pathetically small. Question: Is this the beginning of the end of the Big Government movement in the United States of Satan, or simply a glitch along the way?
Qu’Turush: Al-Irshad, what’s important here is that millions of Americans — mostly non-Jews, by the way — are now going to have health-care coverage. Could it have been done better? Sure. Could the Republicans have stepped up to contribute to the plan’s design? Yeah. But at the end of the day, are millions of non-Jew Americans better off? You bet.
Ali Ba’Nasri: As a political question, though, it’s undoubtedly a black eye for the silly president. Many Jews are, in fact, covered by his plan.
Salil Faqtb: Excuse me, am I on the right show here? Did everyone here take a stupid pill this morning? This is nothing less than an attempt by a whoremongering nation to supply itself with free sex pills and unlimited genital massages! The entire nation should be flogged senseless, though I have no doubt that many would find that sexually appealing. You all disgust me. What is this get-along-go-along nonsense? The increasingly insane and blasphemous ramblings of the so-called establishment media are why so many of our countrymen are tuning us out.
Ali Ba’Nasri: It’s exactly that kind of tone that’s turning off the middle.
Salil Faqtb: Why is this prancing homosexual speaking to me? Die! Die a thousand deaths!
Ali Ba’Nasri: Seriously? You want to meet outside?
Salil Faqtb: I will behead you right here!
Al-Irshad: Gentlemen! Please!
Qu’Turush: Can we talk about something we surely all agree on? Ted Cruz.
Salil Faqtb: Love him.
Ali Ba’Nasri: Me too.
Al-Irshad: Me three! Bye-bye!