Sunday, December 1, 2013
Host Al-Irshad: Issue One! I Ran into a Good Deal! Following the negotiations between the Islamic Republic of Iran and a collection of degenerate Jew-controlled so-called world powers, what emerged was a deal that, in every possible way, is a total and complete humiliation for the prancing homosexuals of the West. Question: Is this the beginning of the end of world hegemony for the diseased whore of the West, the United States? I ask you, Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush.
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: Seriously, Al-Irshad? The West is, what? A whore and a homosexual and controlled by Jews? Can we please move into the 21st century?
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: Perhaps you would like to move into the blade of my dagger! Die, dog!
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: Can I finish? Can you please put your squiggly knife away? As I was saying, Al-Irshad, what we see here is nothing less than a total realignment of the powers in the region, and an acceptance in the West of Iran’s right to develop — and, probably, use — nuclear weapons. It’s a great day for the region.
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: If I could jump in here. It’s a great day for most of the region. Hate to be Saudi right now.
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: Correct. Or the Emirates. Or, you know, anyone but Iran.
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: Israel is not looking great.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: May I speak now? Is it possible to be heard here in this steamy hammam where immoral acts are committed in the shadowy corners? Can I please? Okay. Al-Irshad, the premise of your question is incorrect. As long as the Western powers refuse to accept the inevitability of a worldwide Islamic kingdom governed under sharia law, every deal we make with them will be as if dressing one’s goat in silks and jewelry and treating it as a beloved wife. It will be as if the goat, by its adornments, becomes a beautiful and voluptuous woman, resting seductively upon the divan as her husband disrobes and –
Host Al-Irshad: Exit question!
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: Do not interrupt me, dog! I had a point! I was getting somewhere.
Host Al-Irshad: I know. That’s what worried me. Exit question! Is the internal hand of Iranian president Rouhani stronger or weaker because of this agreement?
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: Considerably stronger. Look, all along President Rouhani has said that the Iranian nuclear program will go forward. And this deal allows him to hit pause on some aspects of it, in exchange for a lifting of key sanctions. I don’t see how this is anything but a win for Rouhani.
Host Al-Irshad: Qu’Turush? Win? Loss?
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: I’d say it was a win. But a small one. The key thing here is that the two sides sat down together and met as equals. I think that’s the major takeaway.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: This is nonsense. My mind explodes with contempt listening to this. There will be no peace, no “takeaway,” to use your homosexual Jew term, until the Western so-called powers are brought under the lash of Islamic justice. Reclining seductively among the cushions of a hotel suite in Geneva like some kind of dancing boy, while syphilitic Western diplomats whisper instructions and commands, is not a win!
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: I think that’s a very simplistic and highly irrational view.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: You think that’s an insult, ladyboy? I regard that as the highest compliment. Now, die! Die! Die!
Host Al-Irshad: Please! Salil Faqtb, extinguish that flame immediately!
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: You will be burned alive for your blasphemies!
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: This is the problem with the conservative wing. It’s all-or-nothing. There’s middle ground here. Yes, the deal does delay some aspects of the Iranian nuclear program. But it still leaves room for Iran to build a nuclear weapon and use it on Israel. That’s why this is a win for the moderates, Al-Irshad.
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: Qu’Turush is correct. Salil Faqtb and his radical friends may hate to admit it, but the moderate middle-of-the-road nature of this deal is the right one.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: I cannot remain in the presence of these devils! I will cover myself with gasoline and light myself with a purifying flame!
Host Al-Irshad: Exit question! What’s with John Kerry’s face? Is it Botox or what?
Ba’ath Party Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: No idea. It’s weird, isn’t it?
Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: You’d think he’d have enough money to get good work done.
Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: It’s creepy. But, I mean, it’s work, right? It’s not like it ever looks right on anyone.
Host Al-Irshad: You are all correct! Bye-bye!