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The Long View

The 2014 Russian-Language Coverage of the All-Heterosexual Sochi Olympics!

by Rob Long

(Transcript from Russia Sports Now! Live Coverage of Olympic Male Figure-Skating Competition)

Commentator Ivanov: “Is now time for the men’s figure-skating competition, when the totally heterosexual mens from the many other countries dress in the clothes of shiny colors with the sparklies applied to the surfaces and do a dance upon the ice.”

Commentator Andriy: “This is something that is very manly to do.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Yes. Yes, of course. It is important for all Russian viewers to understand that — okay, now, you see this man now, he is swirling around the ice and doing a thing with his arms and I know that it must look quite a bit like he is pretending to be a little girl right now . . .”

Commentator Andriy: “But he is not a little girl! The Olympic men’s figure-skating competition is not homosexual propaganda.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Of course not. That is illegal in this country.”

Commentator Andriy: “We need to make that clear to all Russian citizens.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Yes, of course. I agree. Thank you for clarifying, my old friend. Oh! And see now! He jumps! He jumps high upon the ice and he spreads his legs like a wonderful heterosexual man!”

Commentator Andriy: “Allow me, if you will, Ivanov, to remind our Russian viewers that they are required under Russian law to imagine that this man is dancing on the ice here in Sochi alongside a naked and extremely sexy lady without any clothes on at all. So please, at home, take a moment to imagine that this is what is happening here. Because it is the law.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Yes. Thank you, my friend. This is the law. And now the manly skater raises one leg up and points his toe to the sky while bending down and twirling in a circle, like a regular normal typical manly man who enjoys the company of ladies.”

Commentator Andriy: “I believe this move is called the half Liza.”

Commentator Ivanov: “I believe so, my friend. Not that there’s anything homosexual about that.”

Commentator Andriy: “Of course not! This is men’s figure skating! I remind all of our Russian viewers that this is a competition made up entirely of men who enjoy, and are physically attracted to, women.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Not men.”

Commentator Andriy: “Not men. If they were, they’d have been arrested by now for spreading homosexual propaganda. Us too, frankly, for broadcasting it.”

Commentator Ivanov: “And here comes the big finish! The 100 percent heterosexual male skater leaps in the air and twirls around several times! He lands with a flourish! Feathers are going everywhere! Sequins are flying and catching the light! What a heterosexual performance!”

Commentator Andriy: “The audience is going wild!”

Commentator Ivanov: “The manly skater is clearly choked up! He’s moved to tears by the crowd! He’s blowing kisses at . . . who is that guy?”

Commentator Andriy: “Um, not sure.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Probably his dad. Let’s just go with his dad.”

Commentator Andriy: “I don’t think it’s his dad.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Could be his dad.”

Commentator Andriy: “I don’t think it’s his dad.”

Commentator Ivanov: “But let’s just say, for now, that it’s his dad, okay?”

Commentator Andriy: “Then why are they arresting him?”

Commentator Ivanov: “And the scores are in! Ten, ten, nine point five, ten, and . . . what’s happening?”

Commentator Andriy: “They’re also arresting the skater. Right off the ice. I think they’re putting them all in jail.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Sort of defeats the point, don’t you think?”

Commentator Andriy: “As a reminder, if you’re a Russian citizen, and you’re watching this broadcast of the 2014 Sochi Olympics men’s figure-skating competition, please stop watching the broadcast of the 2014 Sochi Olympics men’s figure-skating competition.”

Commentator Ivanov: “The next skater is taking the ice. He seems quite manly and unflamboyant. His costume is sheer black. Maybe a little tight, but then at least there are no sequins or feathers. He skates to the center of the ice to take position.”

Commentator Andriy: “I think we’re on safer ground here. This one seems a lot more butch, if you know what I mean.”

Commentator Ivanov: “Uh-oh. Is he wearing . . . mascara?”

Commentator Andriy: “I don’t know. What makes you think he is?”

Commentator Ivanov: “Well, they’re arresting him.”

Commentator Andriy: “We’ve just gotten word from Sochi Olympic headquarters that the 2014 men’s figure-skating competition has been canceled due to the arrest and detainment of the entire field of competition. We go now to the women’s biathlon competition.”

Commentator Ivanov: “I think that’s been canceled, too.”

Commentator Andriy: “Really? Why?”

Commentator Ivanov: “Think about it.”

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