Planet Gore

Europe is the Way

Thou shalt not SUV. Thou shalt drive four cylinders. Thou shalt live Green.

Once upon a time, auto reviews were product reviews. But in the age of the Green Nanny State, they come with a heavy dose of morality.

Consider the New York Times’s auto critic Lawrence Ulrich, who led his Sunday sermon from the “Automobiles” page pulpit by admonishing his flock that “some cars just make sense. But that doesn’t mean Americans will like them. But . . . there are signs that the big-crushes-all-mentality, once as secure as an armored Hummer, is just one gas-price spike away from being shattered forever.”

Judgement Day is coming. The meek — driving small Euro-minivans like the Mazda 5 — shall inherit the earth.

These “sensible” vehicles may not be as “plush, powerful, or quiet.” They may be “on the slow side, running from 0-60 in 9.7 seconds.” Their engines may not be “as quiet and vibration-free as a 6-8 cylinder.” They may only be “suited to families with one or two children.”

“But,” Father Ulrich tells us, “it’s another sign that the world is shrinking and that car styles long popular in Europe — including these compact people-movers — may establish themselves here.”

First we have a Euro-style president, and now . . . another sign! So listen up, heathens. Pray for $7 a gallon gas, a VAT tax, and sub-replacement birth rates, and we can be as righteous as Europe.