I’ll have more to say about this Charles Pierce profile (screed?) in Esquire about Barack Obama and the country that may have the audacity to not elect him, but for now, I just want to note one unintentionally hilarious anecdote:
Congresswoman Gwen Moore is revving up the crowd in Milwaukee, pitting Barack Obama against Hillary Clinton as though she were setting up the main event in the parking lot at Caesar’s. She starts with Clinton.
“In this corner,” Moore begins, “wearing the helmet of fear, the breastplate of pride, wielding the shield of special-interest dollars and carrying the sword of bitter partisanship!” The crowd boos lustily. There’s no room for metaphor in the cynic’s politics anymore. His head is beginning to throb. Congresswoman Moore is just getting warmed up.
“And in this corner,” she begins.
(Oh, dear Lord, no.)
“The candidate of the people. Skinny young man. Big ears. Funny name. Armed with the experience of humble beginnings. Educated in Ivy League suites. Trained in legislative seats. Toughened in inner-city streets.”
(Okay, this is more like it.)
“Wearing the helmet of good judgment.”
(Uh-oh.)
“The breastplate of hope. Wielding the shield of unity. Carrying the sword of truth. And feet marching to the beat of change!”
Other magical items carried by Obama include the Aura of Inevitability, the Cult of Personality, the Complex of the Messiah, the Cloak of Invisibility for Unsavory Associates and Mentors, the Wand To Declare Unfavorable Issues ‘Distractions’ and most powerful of all, the Amulet of Journalists’ Devotion to a Heroic Narrative, which adds +2d6 to all saving throws against scrutiny.
UPDATE: Numerous readers suggest Moore is paraphrasing Ephesians 6:13:
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.
Stand therefore, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness.
As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace.
With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.