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Attempt To Destroy The Earth Fails (Alt. Headline: Large Hadron Collider Achieves Success)

After years of setbacks, the £5bn machine finally achieved high energy collisions of two protons at 12.06pm British time, at a total energy of seven trillion electron volts – more than three times more force than ever before.

All four detectors around the 17mile underground track picked up evidence of collision “events” which could when analysed completely re-write the rules of physics.

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